People's most basic need in life is relationship. People connected to other people thrive and grow and those not connected wither and die... 

At the emotional level, connection is the sustaining factor for the psyche, the heart, and the spirit. Virtually every emotional and psychological problem, from addiction to depression, has alienation or emotional isolation at its core or close to it. Recovery from these problems always involves helping people to get more connected to each other at deeper and healthier levels than they are. 

Ironically, one problem we often see in the Christian community is that people get more into religion and less into the connectedness the Bible prescribes, with the result that they get sicker. For the same reason, many people feel disconnected from God because they have not been connected to His Body. 

"They have lost connection with the head, from whom the whole body, supported and held together by its ligaments and sinews, grows as God causes it to grow." - Colossians 2:19 NIV

The clear teaching of the New Testament is that the Body of Christ is to be people deeply connected to each other, supporting each other and filling each other's hearts... [Connectedness] is the foundation of how people grow. They grow first through their connection with God, but also through their connection with other people in His Body. And... if they don't have the latter, they don't have all of the former. They are cut off from aspects of what God gives. 

- by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

How do you get self-discipline? Self-discipline is always the fruit of "other-discipline." Some people get disciplined by other people early in life and then internalize it into their character; then they possess it themselves. Other people don't get disciplined early in life, and they don't ever have self-discipline until they get it from others and internalize it for themselves. It's not rocket science; it's the way God designed us to grow. Others discipline us, and then we can do it for ourselves. Kind of like everything else in life—we get it by receiving it from others (as it says in 1 Corinthians 4:7).

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." - Hebews 12:11 NIV

God's Plan A, His "being there," operates when His Body comes together to help someone achieve control over his or her life. This is the role of the Body in discipline—to help people regain freedom (or "the harvest of righteousness and peace") that comes from self-control. Many times in the Bible (as in Matthew 18"15-16; Galatians 6:1-2; Titus 3:10) we are told that we get discipline, structure and correction from other people whom God gives us, and we are in trouble if we do not: "A mocker resents correction; he will not consult the wise." - Proverbs 15:12

So, as you try to grow in self-control over some areas of life, consider the constant role of discipline. And if you are helping others grow, make sure that the role of "other-discipline" is somewhere in the mix , or growth will stagnate. Whether individually or in groups, we need the discipline, structure and correction others provide.  

- by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Accountability is very important, and the Bible tells us over and over again to build it into our lives. But here is the caution: Accountability is not a cure for lack of self-control... The problem with accountability is that all it does is "count..." Accountability can expose a problem, but it can't fix it. Just as a car must go to a mechanic to get fixed, so the person must get further help past the diagnosis from the accountability group. A person with a problem must enter the process of discipline and structure mentioned above as well as find healing for what is driving his behavior. Accountability is only a monitoring system to tell him when he needs more [help]. 

When a problem surfaces, the role of an accountability group changes. It is now a group not only to see how a person is doing, but also to see if the person is doing the other things he is supposed to be doing (going to the right change agents: AA meetings, counseling, etc.) to solve his problem... The key here is that there is more to the process than accountability. Accountability is necessary but not sufficient [for change. Much more will be needed as part of the help that's been set up to bring change.] 

- by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

By definition, grace is something we can't give ourselves. It comes from outside of us, as unmerited favor; we can't do anything to obtain grace... Part of the "outside" God uses to dispense His grace is other people... God made [His people, His church] stewards over the administration of grace.

"Every believer has received grace gifts, so use them to serve one another as faithful stewards of the many-colored tapestry of God’s grace." - 1 Peter 4:10 TPT

The head and heart work in different ways. The head works by gaining, assimilating and accommodating new information... While the head works with "information gathering," the heart works with "experience gathering..." In like fashion, we may know what the books say about God's grace, but until we have experienced it, our "knowing" is only in our head (head knowledge).

To experience God's grace, however, our hearts have to be connected to it. We can certainly connect to God "vertically" through prayer, but to feel His grace completely we have to open our hearts to the full expression of it "horizontally" through other people.  To connect fully with the grace of God, we have to go where it is, and He has chosen to put it in His people. So those who only study the "facts" of the grace of God and do not experience other people loving them, as Peter directs us, will fall short in their realization of that grace. 

To connect to God's love, however, we not only need people, but also need our hearts to be available to those people. We have to be open and vulnerable for the grace and acceptance to do any good. Many people "fellowship" with others, but they share so little as they fellowship that nothing happens at the heart level... So for growth to occur, it must include experiences where hearts are open with each other. Otherwise, it is just known in someone's head and never experienced at the levels God has designed. 

"My friends at Corinth, our hearts are wide open to you and we speak freely, holding nothing back from you. If there is a block in our relationship, it is not with us, for we carry you in our hearts with great love, yet you still withhold your affections from us. So I speak to you as our children. Make room in your hearts for us as we have done for you." - 2 Corinthians 6:11-13 TPT

The point here is that grace can be available to us, but we might not be available to grace. We can be around a lot of acceptance and grace, but until the hurt and guilty places of our heart are exposed, we do not experience grace, and the gap between our head and our heart continues... Fellowship on Sunday or at a potluck or a Bible study is great, but fellowship with the depths of the heart is what heals. Grace must be experienced to be known. 

- by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

When we support something, we hold it up. Support is required throughout the growth process. We will face tasks and realities past our strength and abilities so we need others to support us... Support enables people to go through grief, trials, growth, and a whole host of other difficult times. 

"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing." - 1 Thessalonians 5:11 NIV

"And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone." - 1 Thessalonians 5:14 NIV

"Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." - Galatians 6:2 NIV

...This is what the physical body does when one cell suffers. It sends healing to the injured part of the body. If you have a wounded arm, for example, the body sends antibodies, healing agents, fresh oxygenated blood, white cells, information, anti-inflammatory agents, and so on to that limb. And they do their healing work. 

Many people, however, find themselves cut off from the church and the healing and protective functions it provides. In their isolation—or at least the isolated growth plan they are using—they are easy prey for the gates of hell to overpower them. 

When people try to grow spiritually and emotionally without the organic and metabolic functions of the Body, they are essentially off the path and subject to all the forces of death. And hell does have its way with them until they are returned to the connectedness and healing of the Body. 

"They have lost connection with the head, from whom the whole body, supported and held together by its ligaments and sinews, grows as God causes it to grow." - Colossians 2:19 NIV

"From Him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work." - Ephesians 4:16 NIV

The Body of Christ heals itself just as a physical body does. Each part has a function in that healing just as a physical body does. The antibodies against infection come in the form of discipline and structure as individuals who confront in love help the person stand against the "infections" of sin in her life. They put boundaries and limits up against the evil that has overtaken the person, either from within or from others. They help her stand. 

Others, with grace and love, bring healing anti-inflammatory agents to the wound. They "mourn with those who mourn" (Romans 12:15) and flush out the sickness. They bring teaching and truth to the wound and help it to rebuild stronger cellular structure through teaching gifts. And on and on. The Body has a myriad of gifts, and as a person is exposed to all the ingredients of growth in that Body, the infection is healed. This is the way God has designed it. This is plan A. 

- by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend