Engaging the brain’s relational engine, by making sure our relational circuits are turned on,  puts us in the ideal position to learn and practice relational skills. Without it, we are off the relational grid, unable to give and receive in a positive manner. We have no hope of growing relationally if our relational circuits are simply turned off. We also have no hope of receiving what we—the relational beings we were created to be—desperately need to survive and thrive. The good news is there are simple ways to help us turn on our relational circuits, opening us up for relational connection, learning, and growth.

- by Chris Coursey

• Practice Exercises For Skill 0: Turning On The Relational Circuits

Joy is contagious and spreads when it is shared and expressed with at least one other person. It is the facial expressions (bright eye smiles), warm voice tones, and attuned body signals that amplify the message: “We’re glad to be together!” Joy  excites us and motivates us to interact and stay connected. Joy gives lovers the fuel to endure, friends the strength to persevere, and families the ability to recover.  Shared joy allows us to bond with people and grow strong brains. 

This Skill 1 is all about positioning ourselves intentionally to receive joy from bonded relationships (individuals and groups), to be aware of our ability to light someone else’s face, and to do what freely allows them to receive and experience that joy. It is about receiving and giving for mutual joy benefits, to self and others. 

- by Chris Coursey

• Practice Exercises for Skill 1: Shared Joy

Quieting after both joyful and upsetting emotions—this self-soothing capacity to quiet our thoughts and body—is the strongest predictor of life-long mental health. Why? Relationships require a rhythm of joy and rest. This moment by moment of joyful interaction leaves us satisfied, refreshed and restored. Short moments of rest provide the strength and stamina for more joy. But the absence of rest in this give and take overwhelms us and it does not take long to feel depressed and depleted.  So Skill 2 keeps relationships and interactions balanced, soothing our body and calming our mind. 

Skill 2 follows Skill 1 in a complementary way. We need both to keep our interactions mutually satisfying, manageable and meaningful. Moments of rest and quiet anchors us on our hectic days and helps us stay efficient and productive. At the end of the day we must learn to regulate and quiet what we feel. 

- by Chris Coursey

• Practice Exercises for Skill 2: Simple Quiet

Skill 3 is the bond we share with another person—a bond of two. In this bonded interaction, we share a mutual state of mind that brings us closer and lets us move independently as well. When it is mutual, both are satisfied. 

Skill 3 refers, in general, to the delightful, interactive dance between two people who share and respect each other's signals and limitations. Expressions, feelings, thoughts and words move rhythmically between them so both understand the thoughts and intentions of the other. It's aim is to keep the relational volley between them safe and manageable. This reciprocal sharing dynamically forms a mutual mind state. It puts the pair on the same page. This brain-to-brain coupling creates a cohesive mutual mind where the two feel seen, valued and understood. This level of synchronized attachment provides the basis for smooth transfer of brain skills and learned characteristics. 

When we have this relational skill, we don't have to wear masks to pretend or placade. Rather, we feel confident in our relationships with people and we become resilient, resourceful, playful and creative. 

- by Chris Coursey

• Practice Exercises for Skill 3: Form Bonds For Two

The Blessings Of Appreciating People

Appreciation is packaged joy. This packaged joy is a gift we can share any time, any place, with any person we encounter. Gratitude and appreciation go hand in hand. While enjoying special memories-in-the-making, we store, remember and share these moments for an even bigger boost of joy. In this way appreciation gives birth to joy that spreads to the people we encounter on a daily basis. 

We create appreciation with a single compliment, "I enjoy the way your face reveals the kindness in your heart!" We generate gratitude with, "I appreciate your service - thank you!" This short but meaningful gesture can change the course of a bad day and bring a warm smile to sad faces and broken hearts. 

When shared, appreciation activates our brain's relational circuits, resettles our nervous system and releases a cocktail of bonding hormones so we feel connected and peaceful. We are in our best form when Skill 4 permeates our interactions. An increasing amount of research tells us appreciation is a game changer for life and relationships. Healthy minds are full of appreciation. Appreciation creates belonging and changes stress to contentment.

When We Use Skill 4 In Relationships, We Train Our Brain To...

• Remember to look for things we are thankful for

• Savor the good things we have and the good gifts coming from God, the Giver of good gifts

• Speak out our appreciation to people in our lives, so they too are blessed   

- by Chris Coursey

Appreciating God

And these benefits of appreciation work not only for human relationships. Appreciation has the power to radically change how you relate to God. Brain science confirms this truth: We naturally open up to the people we appreciate. So when we appreciate God, we will also naturally open up to attune and receive from Him. One simple practice to step into this beneficial way of relating to God is to begin with gratitude. "Jesus, I thank You for _______________" (something He did). As you become aware of the things God has done for you, those tangible signs that He is at work, you can more easily move to appreciation because now you get glimpses of who He is (His character and nature). His specific actions towards you reveal His "global" heart and show us more clearly the kind of God He is. What He did for me, He does to others.  So appreciate God in this way, "Jesus, I appreciate that You are _________________"  (state a quality or characteristic of who He is, derived from what He has done). 

Example: 

• GRATITUDE > "Jesus, I thank You for the way You comforted me with Your presence when that traumatic experience happened. I would have normally acted out of fear and desperation but in that moment I felt Your peace and I was able to instead respond with calmness, patience and wisdom."  

• APPRECIATION > "Jesus, I appreciate that You are the Great Comforter. You bring Your peace to settle Your people on the inside with the knowledge that You are always with us. You are the keeper and comforter of our soul."

"When we keep on practicing gratitude with God our brain remembers what our connection with Him was like making it easier for us to find our way back to Him. Gratitude is the first step to building joy into our lives and helps us experience a more consistent attachment with God." - Jim Wilder

"Non-verbal gratitude is right-brained. No words are necessary (words would make it a left-brain activity), just memories. Right-brained gratitude involves images, autobiographical memories, relational connection, and body integration. Building joy is a right-brain dominant exercise." - Jim Wilder

Practice

• Practice Exercises for Skill 4: Create Appreciation

Family bonds let us feel and share the joy built by the people we love. We experience what they feel and understand how they see our relationships through our three(plus)-way bonds. Joy bonds between two adults form a "couple-style" bond (Skill 3), so community joy building requires bonds for three or more (Skill 5). In this three(plus)-way bond we are growing in our capacity to maintain three or more points of view simultaneously. This is a key relational skill needed in group dynamics. 

- by Chris Coursey

• Practice Exercises for Skill 5: Form Family Bonds

Caring deeply can mean hurting deeply. Everyone has issues that particularly hurt, bother, or frustrate him or her and are the way he/she is likely to get hurt. Looking at these lifelong issues helps identify the core values for each person's unique identity. We must consider the non-negotiable issues that fuel, motivate, and fire us up. We hurt more the more deeply we care. Because of how much pain our deepest values have caused us, most people see these characteristics as liabilities, not treasures. Yet, our deepest hurts hide our greatest treasures. If we take time to explore these treasures, they will reveal our true heart values. 

- by Chris Coursey

Key Questions To Ask Yourself To Help Identify Your Heart Values:

1. What things bother me? Why do I hurt like this? What does my pain say about me? What has God placed within me that would cause me to be bothered by this particular issue?

2. What things excite me? What gets me out of bed in the mornings? 

3. What inspires me? What things tug at my heart emotionally?

4.  What gives me hope and makes me feel alive?

Another Great Activity To Get At Your Heart Values: 

• Ask three people who know you well to tell you the qualities they see in you that they admire. Check if patterns emerge. 

• Practice Exercises for Skill 6: Identify Heart Values

This Skill 7 is actually about telling a story using our whole brain. This includes the right hemisphere (the four levels of the right-hemispheric control center) and the left hemisphere of the brain (here, the story gets packaged in words). When our brain is well trained, our capacity is high and we are not triggered by the past, our whole mind works together and our stories come together. When emotional and spiritual blockage is resolved our whole brain works in a synchronized way. 

Four-plus stories show how the storyteller experienced a negative emotion yet was able to act like himself in the midst of it. A simple test as well as a means to train the brain is telling stories in a way that requires all of the brain (the four levels of the right brain control center + words from the left brain) to work together. By selecting stories we can test and train our brains to handle aspects of life and relationships. 

What Is Telling a Four-Plus Story?

In a four-plus story, the storyteller briefly describes a situation he has experienced. He includes words which describe what he was feeling (sadness, shame, anger, fear, disgust, or hopeless despair). He describes how he felt in the midst of the situation, and how he was able to act like himself.

Guideline For Four-Plus Story Telling

• Maintain eye contact while telling your story.

• Share with moderate emotion and make sure the story is not too intense for the listener.

• Package this story with a purpose, using one of these three formats: 

  • How I Returned To Joy (Skill 11)

  • How I Acted Like Myself (Skill 12)

  • How I Now See What God Sees - Immanuel Moments (Skill 13)

• Each story must illustrate a specific feeling for maximum efficacy.

• Show the authentic emotion on your face and in your voice.

• Use feeling words for emotions and body sensations.

• Use stories that you have told before and practice sharing these stories over and over again.

• Keep your story concise (work up to telling each story in under 2 minutes).

- by Chris Coursey

• Practice Exercises for Skill 7: Synchronized Storytelling

We need to know where we are, what we missed and where we are going. Without a map, we keep falling in the same holes. We need to know our ideal maturity level so we know if our development is impaired. Knowing our general (baseline) maturity level (see PDF) tells us what the next developmental level will be. Knowing our immediate maturity levels from moment to moment lets us know if we have been triggered into reactivity by something that just happened or have encountered a "hole" in our development that needs remedial attention. Watching when maturity levels slip tells us when emotional capacity has been drained in us or others.

- by Chris Coursey

• Practice Exercises for Skill 8: Identify Maturity Levels

Verbal and nonverbal warnings are sirens that signal our personal limits have reached maximum overload. By the time most of us recognize overwhelm cues it is too late. We or someone else has already plowed through the need for a breather. Pushing past our limitations comes at a cost. Trust deteriorates and our limitations are disregarded. 

We avoid people who do not protect us from themselves. We feel guarded when others accelerate and drive through the red lights of our personal space. Teasing, bullying, and violence occur when Skill 9 drops out of our relational repertoire. This results with us and others feeling violated, disrespected, and dishonored. Sustained closeness and trust requires us to stop and rest before people become overwhelmed. These short pauses to quiet and recharge take only seconds. Those who read the nonverbal cues and let others rest are rewarded with trust and love. 

Skill 9 is the safety net for our interactions. Behaviors, sounds, facial expressions, words and responses can push us to the edge. There are moments we feel run over. Our limits are not respected when our body cues are dismissed, minimized, or ignored. People who fail to attune with us and our limitations do not increase our joy. All the brain-developing and relationship-building moments that create understanding and produce mutual-mind states require paired minds to stop a moment (pause) when the first of the two gets tired, near overwhelmed or too intensely aroused. Those who disengage quickly and briefly allow the other to rest. The moment to pause and "tone it down" when we show overwhelm signals give us a chance to catch our breath. The momentary pause keeps an interaction safe and joyful.  Those who can read the non-verbal cues and can choose to step into a breather or help others have the space to do the same, are able to build trust. They are a safe person to self and to others. 

- by Chris Coursey

• Practice Exercises for Skill 9: Take A Breather

Our body is a canvas to express our thoughts, feelings, desires, fears and our most prized memories. Our face, voice, body language and how we maintain our personal space comprise our non-verbal story-telling package. Skill 10 allows us to share our emotions and express the rich content of our minds through our face, voice and body. When used, Skill 10 conveys our internal world, brightens our stories, anchors our relationships and creates mutual understanding in our interactions. It is the skill that helps us use both our brain and body to bring clarity to our conversations and create mutual understanding in our relationships. 

This skill is not only to help us convey with clarity what is going on inside of us, but is also the way we interpret our relational encounters. All of us have an internal interpreter in charge of what researchers call "mindsight." Mindsight is our ability to see and simulate what is happening in another person's mind based on what we see on their face. But we also know that we can misread facial cues. We have times where our internal interpreter malfunctions because of our limited human experience, our broken lenses with which we see the world, and/or our overwhelmed emotions. Misunderstandings and conflicts arise when there is a lack of voice tone and facial expressions in the one speaking. At other times, when there is incongruity between the words, emotions, and actions conveyed, our brain picks up this distortion and has difficulty believing what people are saying. Skill 10 helps us correct this interpreter when it is not working properly.  It not only enhances our ability to communicate effectively, but it helps us interpret what we see on someone's face to better understand the content of their minds. 

So how do we grow this skill in us? We can certainly do intentional practice with a peer where we get instant feedback as to what we are conveying and if we are perceiving what they are conveying accurately. But most certainly this skill will naturally grow in us in safe and loving relationships and communities. These will be the places where we get to interpret what is happening on one another's faces, update and correct distortions through honest checking and clarifying, and then convey genuine feelings, and motivations. 

The non-verbal parts of our stories strengthen relationships, bridge generations, and cross cultures. This is the skill in which we learn to interpret correctly, live in our body and connect to our face and voice. With practice we discover nonverbal stories are fun, engaging, and invigorating. 

- by Chris Coursey

Practice Exercises for Skill 10: Tell Nonverbal Stories (No present practice exercises have been added, yet)

The Human Brain Is Wired To Feel Six Unpleasant Emotions:

1. Fear

2. Anger

3. Sadness Disgust

4. Shame

5. Hopeless Despair

Each of these six unpleasant signal that something is wrong. We need to learn how to quiet each different circuit separately while maintaining our relationships. This process sounds easy, but it requires practice and a trained brain to stay connected and to work our way back to joy. 

Without proper training the brain's emotional control center loses synchronization and this means we are stuck in our negative emotions, unable to stay connected with the people we love. The failure to learn Skill 11 leaves us avoiding, side-tracking and disconnecting from the very emotions our brain is wired to feel. If we have not learned Skill 11 after the second year of life (we are supposed to learn it from our parents who help us come back to joy when we are distressed) our emotions become unregulated. As we grow older we rely on non-relational strategies to manage what we feel rather than quiet our emotions back to joy. Emotions we have not learned to manage will be avoided. We start to blame others for our upset or we simply shut down. Many of us turn to artificial means of quieting, known as BEEPS (Behaviors, Experiences, Events, People, and Substances), for comfort. Skill 11 is a relational life-preserver because we stay connected with the people we love even when we are genuinely upset with them.  

When Skill 11 is missing in action, our friendships, families and churches do not resolve conflict because who is right and wrong remains the focus. Rules and task steer people and conversations. Leaders end up avoiding situations that create specific emotions. We justify and spiritualize our non-relational responses and call them normal.  But with Skill 11 we return to shared joy as we quiet distress. We stay in relationship when things go wrong.

- by Chris Coursey

• Practice Exercises for Skill 11: Return To Joy

We live in a world where people hurt us and relationships create distress. Instead of trying to isolate ourselves from the many disappointments that can derail our relational brain, we can learn how to stay our true selves as God designed us when emotions arise. At the end of the day, we are as good as our ability to manage what we feel. How well we navigate upset largely determines the level of trust and closeness we create with other people. How well we attune and comfort others is a reflection of our ability to manage our own emotions. Do we stay relationally connected? Do we isolate? Do we attack? Our reactions tell a story.  

The Human Brain Is Wired To Feel Six Unpleasant Emotions. We Have To Learn To Manage Each Of These In Skill 12:

1. Fear

2. Anger

3. Sadness Disgust

4. Shame

5. Hopeless Despair

We learn Skill 12 by interacting with people who already have the skill. Their examples and presence guide us to effectively use that skill in our own lives. "Acting Like Myself"  stories let us learn, strengthen and spread the skill to others.   

When Skill 12 is missing or underdeveloped, unregulated emotions run rampant and dictate our behaviors and responses—often contrary to our faith and values. We become inconsistent and inflexible when upset. We respond like a different person once something bothers us. Our personality changes with different emotions. And we try to avoid negative emotions.  

Skill 12 connects us together as we express the best of ourselves and repair as necessary when things go wrong. It equips us to express our faith and values under increasingly difficult and ever changing circumstances. This consistency to be ourselves at any moment creates safety and inspires others. When I have Skill 12 I remember what is important to me when I am upset. Family and friends say I am consistent. People would say that I act like the same person whether I feel happy/angry/afraid/sad/disgusted/ashamed/hopeless.

Acting like myself is what we will do during distress and in life when we stay relational, avoid sin, and stay synchronized with God. When we find our design, we will be life-giving—whether we are upset or joyful. 

- by Chris Coursey

• Practice Exercises for Skill 12: Act Like Myself

Without Skill 13 people become problems to solve, commodities for personal gain and enemies to avoid. We miss the beauty of redemption when Skill 13 is missing. But being able to see what God sees guides our faith and restores our relationships. 

In employing Skill 13 to see people and events from God’s perspective, it will:

• Keep us in check by reminding us we see but a fractured view of reality, a painting only partially unfinished. (1 Corinthians 13:12)

• Provide the lens to see that there is more going on than our natural eyes tell us; more to the story, more we need to see; more going on when pain, problems, and upsets disrupt our day. 

• Open the door for a broader perspective that extends beyond the scope of our limited understanding and explanations. 

• Remind us that God is with us and at work, even when fears and feelings say otherwise. 

• Help us to see situations, ourselves and others the way they were meant to be instead of only seeing what went wrong.

•  Help us see people's purpose as more important than their malfunctions and make us a restorative community instead of an accusing one.

• Cause us to turn to Immanuel for perspective, guidance, clarity and comfort: "Lord, what do You see in this frustrating situation?" and "Lord, help me to see __________ [this person] with Your eyes." 

• Help us navigate good and bad times in a godly way.

• Yield a life filled with hope, direction and restored peace.

- by Chris Coursey

• Practice Exercises for Skill 13: See What God Sees

The Greek word, "The Sark" is used in the Bible to stand for "the flesh," "carnal" or "carnality" and it refers to man in his fallen nature. It is the unredeemed part of man. The sark therefore refers to seeing life according to a human or worldly viewpoint—according to our worldly view of who we are and how things should be. The sark, my own limited human understanding, says that I know the right thing to say or do, when in reality we are only producing death. This false "Godsight"—not seeing with the eyes of the Spirit but with a worldly sight—may seem true to us at the moment, but leads to blame, accusation, condemnation, gossip, resentment, legalism, self-justification, and self-righteousness. 

Because of living by the flesh leads us in the wide path towards destruction, the sark requires active opposition. Why? Because without this Skill 14, unprocessed pain, fears, and contempt guide our lives and direct our decisions, often without us being aware of it. So Skill 14 helps turn us around when we are lost, by stopping destructive, painful behavior we foolishly have chosen into. 

"Stopping the Sark" calls for growth in discernment that is empowered by a loving community willing to call us out through healthy correction. And therefore, Skill 14 is best learned in families and churches that value both truth and relationships. We learn to stop the flesh when we...

• Watch others live humbly while taming the sark's influence on their lives. Their example gives us healthy mental pathways from which to choose.

• Receive guidance and feedback, including healthy correction from mature trustworthy people and from a loving community, who have experience in applying this skill. They help us check our intentions, notice our blind spots and correct our distortions. 

We grow in this Skill 14 in a loving community with like-minded people who follow the crucified Christ—people who share our values to follow the Father's will and live from the heart Jesus gave us. 

- by Chris Coursey

• Practice Exercises for Skill 14: Stop The Sark (The Flesh)

Skilled reading of facial cues allows us to operate at high energy levels and manage our drives without hurting ourselves or others.

- by Chris Coursey

• Practice Exercises for Skill 15: Interactive Quiet

Some are at their best with activity and others with solitude. Knowing our styles and needs bring out the best in all our interactions.

- by Chris Coursey

• Practice Exercises for Skill 16: Recognizing Different Energy Responses

Our lives and reality need to be organized around secure love. Fears, hurts, and emotional distance create insecure relational styles that will last until we replace them.

From the moment we are born we require quick, predictable, consistent responses to our ever-changing needs. How well our caregivers and family members respond to our moment-by-moment needs establishes a template for how we view ourselves and the world around us. The responses become the bedrock in the foundation of our emotional house. When our bonds are joyful, consistent, and predictable, we develop a secure base, the strong foundation that holds us under the storms of life. We learn to regulate our emotions and engage the world with curiosity and creativity. When relational bonds are fear-based and unstable, we see the world through distorted lenses. A house built on this fragile foundation easily shakes with every breeze that blows our way. We become rigid and have difficulty regulating our emotions. 

The people we are bonded to tell us what is important, they mold and create our reality, and anything that happens in our childhood development feels like it's simply part of who we are as a human being. We simply see ourselves through the lens of how we think others perceive us. Faces that light up to see us confirm that there is something innately valuable about us. Faces that do not light up to see us convey that something is wrong or bad about us. Over time this joy or absence of joy becomes internalized. For the developing brain, these patterns are influential on the development of our personality and identity. The bonding template, formed in childhood but continuing through life if not targeted, impacts not only how we view ourselves and the world around us but also our interpretation and understanding of God. Do we feel God lights up to see us, or do we feel that God is angry or even uncaring or disconnected? The answer to this question will shed light on the quality of our attachment template in the nonverbal right hemisphere.  

We can have secure or insecure attachment styles. To be frank, we can have all three patterns show up in our relationships but we will have one dominant pattern. Identify yours in the list below. 

 Here are the four main attachment style categories (with the first three being the insecure attachment styles that are anchored in fear):

1. Dismissive Attachment Style > Dismissives undervalue the importance of all things relational and feel overwhelmed by other people's needs. When you come to them with a problem, they are likely to dismiss you and minimize your feelings. A dismissive style is formed when mother or the primary caregiver is consistently distant and unavailable to respond to her child's needs. Over time the child concludes, "What is the point of having needs when my needs are not met?"

2. Distracted Attachment Style > In the distracted attachment style, an overactive bonding pattern leads to excessive intensity and anxiety over my own and other people's feelings. Here is the heightened, exaggerated response to emotions, hurts and needs. Distracted types of people may constantly feel hurt or worried that the other people are upset with them. They come across as "needy" to bystanders. Responses from these types can tend to "make a mountain out of a mole hill" when there is a misunderstanding. Distracted styles form when parents are inconsistently available and children never know what to expect. Because children never know what to expect they maintain a hyper-vigilant state to be on guard and constantly ready for any interaction with the parent. Additionally, parents insert their own desire for bonding onto the child and interact on their own terms and in their own timing. This interrupts the child's play. This intrusion looks innocent and it is done with good intentions, but the interaction is more about the parent and less about the needs of the child.  

3. Disorganized Attachment Style > This style of relating is due to unpredictability in the relationship. The child feels afraid to get too close to the parent because the parent is fearful or due to the parent's extreme, scary responses toward the child. The parent is both the source of terror and the source of love and affection. The child wants to connect but is afraid to get close. This toxic pattern is the most difficult to correct. Unfortunately, this attachment style has the highest percentage of mental illness later on in life (mental and post traumatic stress). Disorganized styles hinder our ability to navigate life. Because of the extremes in connecting, children end up feeling depressed, angry and hopeless. We want to connect but we fear getting too close so we conclude "love hurts." 

4. Earned, Secure Attachment Style > An earned, secure attachment is where our needs are met in a timely fashion; instills joy, love, peace, resiliency and flexibility into our character; and these qualities are expressed relationally. Attunement, validation, comfort, and responsive timing to requests for connection helps us feel seen, valued and satisfied. We function out of a secure base of operations. We navigate hardships with confidence. In times of distress we remember who we are and hold onto what is important. We are able to express our deepest-held values while keeping our relationships intact.  

Here are practices that will help us, over time, to adjust our bonding template: 

• We will need to process the pain, known as attachment pain, behind our insecure patterns. This means taking an honest look at our upbringing and seeing where our parents and caretakers felt short. It will involve the grieving of what we didn't get, what we got that was no good, and how it stunted or hindered our emotional and relational development. 

• We use Skill 17 to identify the blind spots of our insecure styles of relating to people, along with hindrances that keep fear in place. 

• We use Skill 18 to bring the solutions we need to disarm these unwanted attachment patterns. 

• We invite Jesus to come and meet with us in the places our peace is absent. We interact with Immanuel about those unhelpful hindrances that rob joy and seek His healing in the areas fear still dominates our reality. 

• We practice  building joy with Immanuel to increase our emotional capacity. 

• We start to build joyful bonds through intentional practice and intentional relationships with loving people and in loving communities.   

• We seek to recognize the present moments fear impacts our decisions and relationships and we instead choose a healthy, relational pathway that honors God and the people with which we interact.  

With a stable Skill 17 we remain a rock in that we are not easily moved when strain and stress strikes our life. We spread Skill 17 as we demonstrate what secure love looks like during interactions in our relationships and we help people identify their motivations. We repair when things go wrong, and we show others how to use basic skills that strengthen attachments and diminish the fears that dominate life and relationships. 

- by Chris Coursey

• Practice Exercises for Skill 17: Identifying Attachment Styles

Each of the five levels of brain processing (4 on the right side and 1 on the left side) react with a different kind of distress when it gets stuck. By knowing the characteristics of each, we know when one level is stuck and what kind of intervention is needed. Skill 18 helps us apply the correct solutions to pain and problems so we know what is needed, reach peace and keep relationships bigger than problems. 

Relationally we turn sparks into forest fires when we use the wrong solution to resolve pain, and this we can do to ourselves and also to others in distress. We speak when we should listen, and we try to fix when we should attune and validate. Skill 18, through wisdom and expertise, adds strategic solutions to our relational tool belt so we effectively stay connected, process pain and protect our relationships.  When Skill 18 is missing, we rely on misguided responses to try and stay connected when things go wrong. This results with methods that only exacerbate distress. For example, its all too common to rely on words and information to solve problems when only one of the five pain levels is resolved with more information.  

Here are the five levels in the brain, along with corresponding pain, starting first with the easiest pain to resolve (IMAGE):

• Level 5 - Articulate > Level 5 pain is what we feel when we are in situations where our mistakes or behaviors become the most important thing about us and our stories breakdown. Here there's an internal conflict where some piece of information is missing, so our explanations no longer fit with our feelings. This means its time to update and fill in the gaps, but without accurate information we stay stuck in confusion and uncertainty.  > Level 5 Breakdown Example - Our explanations tell us God is good and He will take care of us and then we encounter a crisis where we feel God has forgotten us. 

• Level 4 - Act > Level 4 pain arises when we are in a situation that is very important but we do not know what to do. We lose a sense of who we are and, in spite of our best intentions, we are as relational as our ability to to manage what we feel. Problems at Level 4 show up with rigidity and the inability to see from another person's perspective. Our attention becomes hijacked by something else and we become unable to calm our feelings and stay connected with people. Because we have no idea how to act, we require an example. We learn from observing other people and how they respond in similar situations. When faced with situations and circumstances that are new and unfamiliar, our Level 4 tries to find "files" from past experiences to rely on for the present. When there are no files to rely on, we experience a loss of focus and direction. We flounder, or we may be reactive and experience obvious signs of immaturity. 

• Level 3 - Attune > Level 3 pain is what we experience when we feel stuck in our painful feelings and cannot calm down (we cannot return to joy). Unprocessed pain at Level 3 can consume our focus, drain our energy and disrupt our attention. Staying stuck in strong feelings is exhausting and miserable. The solution is to share what I feel and calm down while returning to joy from negative emotions. For this we require attunement from someone as we navigate negative emotions in order to feel seen, heard, understood and connected. Attunement is that careful listening to what's being shared and reflecting back what the person has said, in your own words. To attune well at these distressful times, we can use what we call mirroring, which is the behavior in which one person imitates or copies the body language, speech, facial expression, or attitude of another in order to display empathy, indicate comprehension of what is being said and to reflect bonding.  I am successfully offering attunement if I see you, hear you, correctly understand your internal experience, join you in the emotions you're experiencing, genuinely care about you, and am glad to be with you. > Level 3 Breakdown Example - Elijah and Jonah wanted to die and prayed God would grant their wish while both Job and Jeremiah cursed the day they were born. 

• Level 2 - Assess >  Our brain's survival circuit makes up Level 2. The amygdala is the small but mighty area of the brain that can keep us alive or, when problems arise, make us wish we were dead. God has provided this survival circuit deep inside our brain to sustain and preserve our life from threats. When it works properly we do not touch hot stoves a second time and we avoid poisonous snakes on the walking trail. Level 2 is the guard shack in our brain that tells us if we should flee from a threat, fight the threat, or freeze and play dead so the threat will go away. The nonverbal Level 2 is not open to discussion or dialogue. Level 2 does not ask for permission before responding. It has three opinions: everything is either good, bad or scary. The amygdala never forgets what it learns. Thankfully, we can quiet these responses because God has given our brain the means to update and override Level 2 fears as long as there is a fully functional and trained Level 4. Otherwise we remain stuck at Level 2 non-relational reactions, which are rigid and intense.  Pain at Level 2 can keep us in ongoing states of hyper-vigilance and lead to withdrawing. We become dominated by what we feel and we interpret the world around us using a distorted lens. Changing our thoughts, using our will-power, and trying to make better choices are all futile attempts to disarm an overactive Level 2. What is needed is someone with a high-capacity mind who can stay connected with us during intense emotions so we learn to quiet and calm ourselves. (Here a quieting technique for when you are by yourself to quiet yourself > video)  

• Level 1 - Attach >  Level 1 pain is attachment pain, the worst pain the brain knows. This pain is when we feel heart-broken, rejected, lonely and abandoned. In this state, everything hurts. Level 1 pain is marked by a strong, intense cravings that make us feel we are going to die if we do not get what we think is needed for relief. Because of it we become hyper-focused or painfully detached. When unaddressed, this pain quickly destroys relationships, marriages, families, communities and organizations. Addictions often result from this pain.  Fortunately, God has already provided the needed solution: His presence is always there to strengthen, encourage, and comfort us. We build our emotional capacity and improve our ability to interact with Immanuel, through an Immanuel Lifestyle. 

This overarching Skill 18, which we learn and pass on with God, loving families and loving communities, allows us to sustain joy in our relationships because we know what to do when things go wrong. We learn solutions for the five levels of pain the brain knows. We avoid unnecessary trouble and we minimize relational casualties because our responses match the circumstances and the needs we encounter.  Skill 18 sheds light on what these conditions are and how to participate with God in creating them so that pain does not have the final word. 

- by Chris Coursey

• Practice Exercises for Skill 18: Intervene Where The Brain Is Stuck (Webpage Under Construction)

When any of the Big Six emotions combine and merge into what we know as a complex emotion, these feelings  are harder to manage. Shame and anger combine to form humiliation, while fear and hopeless despair (with any other feeling) form dread. When two or more feelings combine it requires more resources to manage, quiet and return to joy.  

When the accelerator and the breaks are pressed at the same time, the engine experiences strain. You may recall anger is a high-energy emotion while shame is a low-energy emotion. Anger makes us want to stop something while shame causes us to withdraw and want to hide. Because we can only handle the emotions our brain has learned to feel, returning to joy is no small task. On the one hand, we want to make a threat disappear, but we lack the time and resources to throw at the problem. When Skill 19 is missing, we will see broken relationships, violence, rejection, abandonment and a slew of problems.  

Complex injuries from life leave us hurting many ways at once. We recover when we combine our brain skills and use them in harmony. Before learnnig Skill 19, we must build joy (Skill 1), learn to quiet (Skill 2), tell four-plus stories (Skill 7) and return to joy (Skill 11). In this way, we have a solid foundation to build our relational house, particularly returning to joy from humiliation and dread. 

- by Chris Coursey

• Practice Exercises for Skill 19: Recover From Complex Emotions