What Happens in "Simple" Enemy Mode?

Simple enemy mode is a low energy state where almost nothing is happening in our brain. It takes over insidiously in a tired, distracted, overly focused, or disinterested brain. In this state we find ourselves already off the relational grid, unable to give and receive in a positive, relational manner. These subtle signals that we don't want to be connected with someone at the moment is reflected by the look in our face of lack of interest, unresponsiveness, apathy, and indifference towards others. We literally become relationally blind. This lack of excitement for those we know or curiosity for the ones we haven't yet met but are in front of us, sends mixed, or at times clear, signals of our lack of relational availability.  This can spark reactions in ourselves, in the other, or in both, as one or more parties are now feeling the other person is not "on our side." 

An uneasy tension develops between the parties involved when relational connection signals are missed, ignored, mistrusted, or feared. Once either party feels the sting of being ignored, forgotten, overlooked, disliked, or demoted, an incentive for simple enemy mode is formed. This anticipation of an unpleasurable outcome (i.e.: lack of status, rejection, isolation, etc.) stemming from this uneasy tension gets our heart racing and our breathing becomes heavy. 

Once in enemy mode, that person is relationally blind and will not be able to tell if the other is in enemy mode or not. We simply miss relational opportunities and exclude people. Usually, people do not give the benefit of the doubt, so soon they could potentially both end up in enemy mode, blinded to relational potential and reality. 

Signs Of Simple Enemy Mode:

• No response except, "What do you want?"

• No "flavor" to meaningful relationships

• Not curious about what the other person is thinking

• Feeling ignored, manipulated, or misunderstood

• Abrupt end to interactions

• We or they are distracted (do not feel "present")

• Dimmed awareness of the body

• Focusing on rules, procedures, and policies

• Wondering what he/she is getting upset about  - This may even go both ways: the person in enemy mode may be noticing their own upset (often without knowing why), and they may have also upset the other (pushed them into enemy mode) by their own relational unavailability.  

• Relational circuit test shows RCs (relational circuits) are off

Relational Circuits (RCs) Test (are they on or off?):

• I just want to make a problem, person, or feeling go away.

• I don't want to listen to what others feel or say.

• My mind is "locked onto" something upsetting.

• I don't want to be connected to _______ (someone I actually like).

• I just want to get away, fight, or freeze.

• I more aggressively interrogate, judge, or try to fix others.

Practices For Escaping Simple Enemy Mode:

1. I recognize when I am not being relational and should instead be having an attachment response. I speak to myself the relational truth about the person in front of me to help redirect my thoughts and emotions.  > EXAMPLE: "This is my wife who is wanting to connect with me right now. She loves me and is for me." 

2.  I recall and follow the steps to restart my attachment system: 

   • I let the other person know that I need time to get my relational mind back on track.

   • I recall a "joy moment" to help turn on my relational circuits (preferably with the person I am presently with, with whom I am in simple enemy mode).

   • I greet them warmly once my face starts a slight smile.  

3.   I thank the person/people for waiting for me or reminding me to become relational.   

What Happens in "Stupid" Enemy Mode?

If the brain is running too fast, it has lost efficiency. It no longer remembers what other people mean to us, what they are thinking, and how to stay "on the same side," even when we are upset.  A high-energy moment is fueled by "hot" anger. In this overheated mode, we lose a sense of connection to other people. We misunderstand what they are really thinking and start to see them as enemies. By then, something has flipped inside our brain and people lose their cool and start doing and saying stupid things (name calling, yelling, threatening, etc). The combo of lots of energy, little identity, and no emotional intelligence replace our best self. In this stupid energy mode we begin to destroy people and things we value or need. Later on when we sober up, we may realize this person wasn't our enemy. But by then, we left people wounded with our hateful words and actions. Stupid enemy mode may work short-term, but the damage is long-term because we have not considered the least harmful alternative.

Stupid enemy mode is a learned behavior. People learn these unhealthy patterns of relating by watching others get stupid. These become the pathways our brain takes spontaneously at an unconscious level, when encountering similar scenarios.  

Signs Of Stupid Enemy Mode:

• We start seeing everyone around us as stupid. 

• Our voice is the loudest by quite a bit.

• Everyone seems against us or at least not "with" us..

• We say or do things we later want to take or walk back, deny, or change.

• People with cellphones are thinking about getting a video of us.

• We want "it" to stop.

• We feel overwhelmed and out of control.

• We are usually angry or afraid, but sometimes very excited.

• Often alcohol or drugs are involved.

• We are tired and stretched too thin.

• On reflection, this was not our finest hour.

• We become a different person from our usual self.

• We are focused on something or someone else and lose sight of ourselves.

• We act like our parents or someone we swore we would not be like.

• We use the most "powerful" words, not the smartest words.

• We sometimes "keep it to ourselves" when faced with someone more powerful.

• We think or express contempt, rage, and hatred.

• We immediately notice other people's vulnerability and humiliate them for their:

  • race/nationality/language

  • age/gender/sexuality

  • social status/wealth/education/intelligence

  • weight/clothes/attractiveness

• We insult their mother and people they have attachments to.

• We cause damage to what others value (maybe make it look accidental).

• We may warn people with phrases like: "Don't make me/him/her mad!" "Don't make me get stupid!"

Practices For Escaping Stupid Enemy Mode

1. I use the instant "quieting" method (such as controlled breathing: Breath In > 4 count; Hold for 8 count; Breathe out for 4 count).

2. If I cannot quiet, I go to a place I can cool off and use my quieting method there. 

3. I follow the steps for escaping enemy mode. 

4. I take steps to repair the relationship as soon as I can, and preferably in the moment after my heated exchange. I speak all these words of repair and befriending in a humble tone that reveals my empathy and compassion for their well-being.  

   • I affirm who the person is (for my sake - to remember the good of the other I am not treating with respect). > EXAMPLE: "I know you as someone who is caring, respectful and a fair person."

   • I take ownership for my inappropriate behavior and words and go back and share any pain I have created, without justifying myself.  > EXAMPLE: "Unfortunately, I yelled at you and said some mean things."

   • I imagine the emotional wounding I created for the other person, through my actions and words, and acknowledge it to them. > EXAMPLE: "I can only imagine how you might be feeling disrespected and unsafe in my presence."  

   • I make it plain clear that the person is NOT deserving of what I did or said. > EXAMPLE > "You did not deserve to be treated this way."

What Happens in "Intelligent" Enemy Mode?

This type doesn't miss signals or get stupid. Instead, "cold" anger fills the brain with plans of resentment, revenge, hired guns, deception, even more diabolical deeds. Intelligent enemy mode keeps looking for the "win" and for a weakness to exploit. Win at all costs is the driving motivation. The destruction of relational capital is greatest in intelligent enemy mode. 

While intelligent enemy mode can mimic the other two enemy mode styles, there are important differences. Unlike stupid enemy mode, when someone in intelligent enemy mode "blows up," they are NOT sorry afterward—they do not feel sorry for ignoring important relationships. If you are hurt, it's not their fault. You are too sensitive about your feelings, or you are insensitive about how important they are. When using a "you lose" strategy, we do not calculate the least harmful solution.  

Intelligent enemy mode and the attitude "whatever it takes to win" go hand in hand.  so blowing up is seen as useful for getting a "win." The message is clear: "Whatever it takes to win is right." Unfortunately, this type of winning at any cost ends up justifies bullying, intimidation, and predatory behavior.   

Signs Of Intelligent Enemy Mode:

• Social status carefully guarded

  • Loyalty, vision, and mission do not value everyone equally.

  • Success depends on making top people look good.

  • Keeping Us and Them separate is valued.

  • People with lower status bear the blame.

  • People warn about the consequences of "crossing" the wrong person.

  • Stratification protects the powerful ones (pecking order).

• Control is more important than care or relationships

  • People are shamed and fired to "make an example" of what will happen if you do this or that.

  • We receive false assurances.

  • Conformity is required (opinions, appearance, actions, beliefs, shared fears).

  • Humiliation is used to control and intimidate resisters.

• Image is carefully managed

  • Propaganda and "spin doctoring" are active.

  • Discrediting others is a win for us.

  • We prize or broadcast our reputation.

  • We (or someone above us) must be seen as powerful and important.

• Weakness is exploited

  • Weaknesses are being watched, tracked, and used later to punish or control.

  • Everyone around me is trying to look strong or successful.

  • Someone is friendly to my face but critical when I am not around.

  • Someone seems too interested in what will cause me pain or shame.

  • We want to hide what we really think or feel because it doesn't feel safe.

  • We track what will cause pain or embarrassment.

  • People are afraid to reveal themselves.

• Avoidable damages (lost relational capital)

  • Competent people "disappear" without a voice

  • We are rewarded even when the win has a high relational cost.

  • There are "people under the bus."

  • Damage to people or projects could have been avoided by listening .

• Winning justifies actions

  • Winning is the only real priority.

  • Failures are punished.

  • Relationships do not outlive a person's utility.

  • Vision, mission, and success justify human costs and losses.

  • There is an odd combination of ethical talk with unethical actions.

Practices For Escaping Intelligent Enemy Mode:

1. I identify the relationships I have that are worth keeping.  

2. I ask these "keepers" to tell me if they see me in enemy mode.

3. I thank and reward everyone from my "keeper" list who tells me when I am in enemy mode. 

4. I find a coach I respect who can call me on any way I fool myself or justify my enemy mode.  

5. I invest myself in helping each of my "keepers" develop their best selves in one area of weakness.