• Clearly identify and acknowledge the actions or words that caused harm, making sure the other person knows you understand what you're apologizing for.

• Avoid phrases like "I'm sorry if you were offended." This statement has only a self-focused goal in it - to return things back to normal for my sake, not yours.  It’s kind of like saying: “I wish you weren’t offended because it is negatively impacting me,” or “I wish you weren’t overreacting.”

• Consider also expressing sincere regret and/or remorse (whatever is true in your experience) for the hurt or harm you caused. This helps the other person know that you did not feel good about what you did.

• Regret = The feeling of disappointment or sadness about a past action or decision that generally involves wishing you had made a different choice or taken a different path. “I feel sad I said those things to you. I should not have done that.”

• Remorse = A sense of guilt and sorrow for causing harm or wrongdoing to someone, intentionally or unintentionally. Remorse is a sign that you actually have a conscience and function under a moral compass and is often accompanied by a greater commitment to address the consequences of one's actions. "I feel bad for what I did to you. I want you to know that I plan to do what is needed to help you through the hurt and pain I caused."

• Something to consider if you don’t feel sad or bad about what you did: Are you truly apologizing or are you just going through the motions for the sake of getting things back to normal for your own sake? Know that the person hurt by your actions will tend to easily see through any dishonest apology you make.

• State clearly what you did wrong. 

• Be specific about the actions or words for which you are apologizing. This demonstrates that you've reflected on the situation and understand the details of your mistake.

• Take full responsibility for your actions without making excuses or shifting blame. This demonstrates accountability for your own behavior.

This statement has two intentions in it:

1. To help the one who dealt a painful blow to the other to remember the value of that person. This is key to restoration. If this is a person I value I need to keep this reality in mind if I am going to fight to restore that relationship. And if later, in other relational contexts where I am tempted to do something not honoring, I will be more likely to choose the path of honoring them and treating them kindly.

2. To help the injured person to understand that they are still valued as a person and that the hurtful actions taken by the "friend" are not indicative of how they truly feel about you. Rather, it is indicative of some areas this person needs to work on. That is to say, the problem is in the one who said or did those mean things. This is being made clear in this statement: "As I was the one who did these mean things, clearly I am the one who has a problem."

• Acknowledge the impact of your actions and communicate understanding on how it might have made that person feel.  “I can now see how you might have felt…”  

• Doing so lets the other person know that you understand the impact of your behavior and shows that you are now stepping into empathy and understanding - when before there wasn’t any.

• This is one of the most important parts of an apology. The injury was caused by your carelessness, insensitivity and disconnection to the feelings of the other. When you show empathy and understanding, you are now starting to display an inner change towards attunement from the previous painful disconnect. 

• Acknowledge the other person's feelings and perspective, even if you don't agree with them. Let them know that their emotions are valid and important.

• Sometimes it's helpful to briefly explain why you acted the way you did, but be cautious not to use this as an excuse. 

• An explanation can provide context but should never diminish your responsibility or blame the other.  Here you have to always keep in mind: I need to take ownership of my actions. 

• Where some people have some growing to do is in justifying their actions based on what went on prior. For example, some feel if they were stressed out and/or in distress from prior happenings, then it makes complete sense they lashed out to this person. What's wrong in this thinking is a failure to grasp that even in such times we have still have choice and responsibility, and the ability remains for self-control and self-discipline to help us make the right choice. I  may be stressed out or distressed but when I take it out on someone else, that is not acceptable. 

  • I can make a choice to remove myself from others when what may come out in my words and actions would be hurtful. 

  • I can make a choice to relay to others that "I am not in a good place right now and cannot do this or that at the moment." 

  • I can even stay quiet instead of saying mean things.

  • But I can also make a choice to be nice and respond kindly when I don't actually feel like being nice or kind. 

As followers of Jesus we have Christ's example who under the most excruciating of pain on the cross...

• Still asked for the Father's forgiveness for the very ones who put him on the cross.

• He held his words when others mocked him. No lashing out, no put downs, no cursing. 

• He took care of his mother's needs by pairing her with his good friend John so that they each had someone to help care for them.

• He promised entrance to "paradise" for a sinner on the cross. 

And so we see Jesus who models that no distress should ever keep you from doing what is right, good and kind.  Through his example and the power of his Spirit that he grants us, we have been empowered to do the same.  

Often in a rushed apology that seeks to get things "back to normal," an apology is given but the hurt person did not hear a truly repentant heart of someone who has seen their wrongdoing and feels bad about it. It is hard to go back to normal when the person who hurt you treats what they did as if it was not that bad or such a big deal. Do they still not recognize what they did as wrong? Have they missed key details? And after re-explaining with examples, are they still in denial? When this happens, it is hard for the injured one to come to a place of being ready and willing to forgive. It all points to a person who has NOT learned from their mistakes and insensitivity. In fact, it still feels you would be dealing with a person who will most likely do the same down the road as they are either unwilling to see or completely blinded to their faults, weaknesses or mistreatment of others. This is one big reason someone who has been hurt becomes unwilling to continue the process of relational restoration. There just hasn't been any learning or growing from the wrongdoer - from their misguided actions or hurtful habits and ways of being. 

For the sake of laying a path toward restoration of relationship, genuine repentance is a must for many who have been hurt by such an individual. As you seek to deliver your apology, you will best serve the other person and the future depth of that relationship if you first start processing what you did from a place of deep self-reflection and self-examination. When you start to see what you did as hurtful and wrong you will most likely express your apology from a place of having come to terms that there are some things in you that need to change. These things expressed in your apology lay the groundwork for relational healing because it hints at change through the self-recognition of what was done that was not good. 

Often, the party who hurt the other cannot see what they did as bad or as that bad. This does not have to be a relationship killer if the wrongdoer is willing to hear examples and to try to understand how what was done hurt the other. Sometimes we just need help to see what we cannot. Some upbringings lacked the passing on of relational skills or of apologizing or of forgiving the other. The difference will be a willingness to process, as many times as needed, to begin to see or at least to understand why this action was so hurtful to the recipient. For the sake of a relationship, we can choose to stick with the painful process of repeated talks to come to such understanding. How much is a relationship worth? When someone is not willing to partake of the process it sends a message to the other that I do not really care about this relationship to put the work in. 

When wrongdoing has happened and denial remains, a relationship may not recover. It may go back to lower levels of relating, like just a casual conversation, or just die off altogether. This is where we have to reflect on our willingness to make this relationship work. The fact will always remain: Strong relationships take work.  We have a choice to stick with it or to bail. Genuine repentance is key to seeing more clearly, valuing the other and remaining in the fight for the restoration of the relationship. 

• Offer to make amends or correct the situation, if possible. This might involve taking action to rectify the harm you caused or prevent it from happening again. Both amends and restitution seek to make things right.

• Amends = Actions taken to rectify and mend the relationship set up a healing environment for the sake of the injured party and promote your personal growth in the context of that relationship. This includes an apology, changes in behavior or avoidance of past behavior, increased sensitivity and caring to the needs of the other, and other relational efforts to repair the damaged relationship.

• Restitution = The act of compensating someone for a specific loss, harm they have suffered, or damages incurred through the wrongdoing of the offender, and often through financial or legal means. 

• Remember that the goal of an apology is first to right a wrong. Then, depending on the type of relationship, it is to rebuild trust and mend the relationship over time. It's essential to be genuine, patient, and committed to making amends that honor the injured party. This also gives the best chance for relational healing between the parties involved.

• A well-crafted apology, with a request for forgiveness, is an important step in repairing relationships, but it may not always lead to immediate forgiveness or even to any type of forgiveness as an automatic outcome. Do keep in mind that the other person may need time to process and heal; people require time to forgive and that whole process it's their choice. Give them as much time as they need to come to a place where they can finally forgive you. This could take hours, days, weeks, months or even years. The offender has absolutely no control over how long the injured person will need, or if they will ever come to the place to forgive. Every person is different in how they process hurt and pain. What the offender has control over is the ability to craft an honest and sincere apology that is meant to create a healing environment for the sake of the other. 

• As you seek forgiveness, you may want to provide specific information, in your apology, about what you plan to do differently in the future to avoid repeating the same mistake. This shows your commitment to change.