Many times, in the process of helping people grow, we forget the big picture of what God is doing in the human race. We get caught up in the particulars of helping someone restore his or her emotional or spiritual health, heal a hurting marriage, or make life work, and we lose sight of the bigger picture. 

But there really is a big picture. It is the story of God and His creation that was lost, and of His work to restore it to Himself. This big picture is very important as we think about entering into the specifics of people's lives; we must not lose sight of what God is doing in the world...

Many times we forget the way things should be, and we forget what we are trying to accomplish in helping people grow. .. We speak to problems and "symptoms" or try various religious formulas, and we miss the real life-changing dynamics of this "ministry of reconciliation." After all, it is far easier to focus on a particular problem in someone's life, or to focus on his or her particular way of "missing the mark," than it is to figure out the ways that the Fall is still operative in the person's life and discover a redemptive path that will reconcile his or her life. We [have a tendency to] focus on the symptom and not the root issue...

The question then becomes "What are we trying to reconcile?" First, we are obviously trying to get people back into relationship with God. Almost everyone who desires to grow as a Christian works on this. But beyond that, we generally see only two other emphases: one is to reconcile people to each other, and the other is to reconcile people to the idea of holiness and pure living...

But there is more to be done. Spiritual growth is not only coming back into a relationship with God and each other, and about pursuing a pure life, but it is also about coming back to life—the life that God created for people to live.  This life of deep relationship, fulfilling work, celebration, and more gives us the life we desire and solves our problems. As Paul says, we are "separated from the life of God"  (Ephesians 4:18). We must be reconciled to life the way it was created to be to work... We, therefore, must take a look at the way God created life to be, what happened to that life (what went wrong), and what God has said about getting it back. 

- by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Resources:

• PDF: Big Ideas Established At Creation

Tips For Growers:

• Gain a perspective of where you and your life issues fit in with the overall story of the Bible and what God is doing in the world. Get past today's struggles, and relate them to the bigger drama in which we all play a part. Ask God to help you see these issues in your life. 

• Develop a perspective of your "theological" responsibility. Determine how important it is for you to understand the whole of the Bible and what God is doing. 

• Take an inventory of how you relate to the specific issues discussed, such as God as the Source, relationship, God as Boss, and the various roles. Determine how these overall ideas relate to your belief system and your life. 

God has designed life to work in a certain way, and He has designed growth and healing to work in a certain way with very specific precepts. When life is not working, it often means some of His ways are being violated, either willfully by us or by sin done to us. Most often than not, we find that we have to discover and align ourselves to God's ways to get out of suffering... God's design and ways were given to make life work... When we live more according to our own design than God's, we suffer. We have our own ways of coping with life and its hurts instead of searching for God's principles that will lead us into the light... Healing occurs when we reconcile life to the way God created it...

God has answered our need to grow with a complete system. It has rudimentary elements (the basics, the foundations of the faith) as well as advanced processes. When taken altogether, when all the different ingredients are used, people do grow. And they grow in profound ways. Lives are transformed, and the creation can be reconciled.  

Good questions to ask:

• Yourself: "Where is my life suffering because I am not living in deep obedience to God's ways?"

• Your marriage: "Where is our marriage suffering because we are not living in deep obedience to God's ways?"

- by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Tips For Growers:

• Figure out, with the help of others, where the "big picture" in your own life has broken down and needs to be restored.

• See if you are truly seeing God as the Source of returning you to life. 

• See if your system and practice of growth has relationship as primary. Determine if it sees real relationship with God and others as primary instead of just religious service and/or principles. Figure out if community and relationship is being the delivery system for what God provides. 

• Ask yourself and others what role God is playing as the boss, or master, of your life. Find the cracks in your submission to His role as Lord. 

• Take a closer look at how well you are playing the roles of a human and not a god:

  1. Being dependent

  2. Having self-control and not being controlling of others and life

  3. Experience life and others instead of judging yourself and others

  4. Obeying the rules instead of writing them

[The reality of life is that] we need things that we do not have and cannot provide, and we need to have a source of those things who looks favorably upon us and who does things for us for our good. For growth that makes life work to occur, we have to seek God... 

[Unfortunately,] one of the biggest obstacles to growth is our view of God. If we are going to grow in relation to God, then we must know who God is and what He is really like... People do not grow until they shift from a natural human view of God to a real, Biblical view of God. The first aspect of that shift has to be the shift from a God of law to the God of grace. People must discover that God is for them and not against them...

We need to realize that [the] God [we are coming to for help] is a God of grace... [Sadly,] we [often] see Him as a religious standard that we must live up to, and we fail to see His true acceptance of us for where we are... Grace that leads to true life transformation is one of unmerited favor—the understanding that God is truly for us and that He will provide what we cannot provide for ourselves. Grace means we receive the gifts we need for growth to occur. We don't "willpower" our way there... Understanding grace is essential to constructing a system of growth. 

[The reality is that] grace does not come easily [to us], and we do not naturally recognize it. It only comes in the classroom of God's law. We encounter the law of God either through realizing our failure to attain His standard and thus our need for His grace, or through experiencing the consequences of having our lives fall short of the standard. Either way, we die to self. We must realize that we have failed and that we have no hope of reaching the life that we desire in and of ourselves. After that, the law of God guides us, empowered by grace, to structure life as it was created to be... This "grace" is God's provision of various resources and tools to help us grow. We do not grow because of "willpower" or "self-effort," but because of God's provision. God offers the help we need (that's grace), and then we respond to that provision. His principles [and resources] are a "lamp unto our feet."

- by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

"God saved you by His grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago." - Ephesians 2:8-10 NLT

"Now may our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by His grace gave us eternal comfort and a wonderful hope, comfort you and strengthen you in every good thing you do and say." - 2 Thessalonians 2;16-17 NLT

Resources:

• QUIZLET (flashcards): The Grace Of God - a collection of Bible verses on this theme

Tips For Growers:

• Examine your view of God. Do you see Him as for you or against you? In what ways might you see Him as both?

• See where you are gaining "unmerited favor" or, if you are not, where you are going to get it. 

• Determine what favor you need God to provide for you. 

• Take a look at what standards could lead you to the reality of your situation and your need for God and growth. Be open to them as you see them. 

• Find the confrontation you need and the people who will give you reality consequences. Take an inventory of the reality consequences you already face. 

People need two sorts of relationships to grow: the divine and the human. If you are helping people grow, make sure you look for how connected they are to the indwelling Christ... Your growers need to know that being aware, responsive, and dependent on Jesus is a daily part of life... Help growers see that God is good, that Jesus lives in the believer's heart, and that trusting relationship brings good things. 

 [One big way] Jesus is essential to spiritual growth is called identification. He serves as a model that can teach and comfort us in many growth situations. Biblical principles tell us how to grow; Jesus shows us. He gives us a personal and human example we can see and internalize within our hearts. We have a living, breathing picture of how God wants us to live. [And so we make it our pursuit to read the Gospel regularly to see and learn the way Jesus lived and how He handled Himself in each and every situation in His own life. We see Him as our perfect model for how to live in this world in ways that honor God, His ways and timing, and continually depend on Him for all of life.]

- by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

"He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation... For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross." - Colossians 1:15,19-20 ESV

"The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth." - John 1:14 NIV

Tips For Growers:

• Examine your assumptions about the role of Jesus in your growth. Look at any tendencies to see Him only in His "Savior" role and not involved today. 

• Explore the suffering Jesus experienced that you can identify with in your own life. In addition, look at His attitude toward suffering. 

• Develop an awareness of how to make suffering normal, be humble when experiencing it, and not retaliate when you hurt. 

• Look at the ways Jesus can identify with your own suffering so that you gain comfort and perspective from Him. 

Knowing the Holy Spirit is at work on you and in you is a very good place to begin working on any issue... The Spirit begins the process of growth by wooing us to Jesus, and He is working to finish the task (to complete it)... People can trust the growth process, no matter how they feel in the midst of it. It is not only up to them to "make it." The Holy Spirit is always going to be there, drawing them to God and to greater and greater growth...

To grow and change we have to first know we are secure... The Holy Spirit gives us this security... Growth must be undergirded by this foundation.  

"Whoever believes in the Son of God accepts this testimony. Whoever does not believe God has made him out to be a liar, because they have not believed the testimony God has given about his Son." - 1 John 5:10 NIV

"For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship.  And by him we cry, 'Abba, Father.'  The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children." - Romans 8:14-16 NIV

The best way to think about the Holy Spirit and growth is to think about a moment-by-moment relationship of dependency on Him. We depend on Him to guide us, lead us, talk to us, reveal truth to us, empower us to do what we can't do, give us gifts to be able to give others what they need, and many other things. But all this happens in an "abiding" sort of way. We yield to Him and follow. We open up our hearts and beings to be "filled" with Him. We ask Him to invade all that we are and to work in us. In a sense, we give ourselves to Him as we live out the life of growth. 

- by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Resources:

• QUIZLET (flashcards): The Holy Spirit's Role - 60 Bible verses on the Holy Spirit

Tips For Growers:

• Seek and understand your security in God and how He is seeking you through His Spirit. 

• Learn how He is to work and what He promises so you can expect and find it. Learn the list of things the Holy Spirit will do.  (see flashcards below)

• Seek Him as a person in a relationship. Depend on Him as a person moment by moment for all you need.

• Ask for help in every situation.

• Follow Him.

• Yield to Him. 

• Ask Him to show you and reveal to you what you do not know about everything in life. 

• Follow Him in whatever He reveals to you, one step at a time. 

• Don't confuse pain and suffering with a lack of His presence. Ask Him to be with you in the pain and suffering and do all of the above in the midst of it. 

• Examine yourself always to make sure you are in the faith and His life is in you. 

• Pray for His supernatural healing and deliverance when needed.

• Remain in the paradox of both you and God living your life. 

If you are going to help people grow, you must understand the necessity of relationship for growth... Relationships with others is part of the created order. Independence from relationship is independence from God Himself, for He is present in His Body; it is also independence from the way He designed for us to grow. 

Biblical Growth is designed to include other people as God's instruments. To be truly biblical as well as truly effective, the growth process must include the Body of Christ. Without the Body, the process is neither totally biblical nor orthodox. 

- by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Resources:

• WEBPAGE: God's Plan A: People - more detail given

"So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ." - Ephesians 4:11-13 NIV

Tips For Growers:

• Examine your feelings about plan A. See if you are okay with God's using people to accomplish what He wants to do in your life or what you want Him to do. See if you have a bias against His plan for people's involvement in your life. 

• See if you are cut off from plan A. Find out if you have amputated yourself from His provision for you. 

•  Take an inventory of your life of the elements the Body provides: connection, discipline and structure, accountability, grace and forgiveness, support and strengthening, mentoring, grieving, modeling, healing and confronting. 

• Determine whether you experience the universality of suffering and imperfection by close relatedness to others. 

• Figure out whether you have ever been personally discipled or need to be. 

• Get an orientation toward seeing spiritual growth as a total makeover and growing up again in a new family, the family of God. Find community that will provide those elements.  

The Bible teaches that acceptance begins with God... Christ's acceptance of us is the model for how we are to accept one another...

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love, having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved." - Ephesians 1:3-6 NKJV

"Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God." - Romans 15:7 NIV

To be accepted is to have all of your parts, good and bad, received by another without condemnation. It applies to all our relationships: with God, others and ourselves. It is closely related to grace, undeserved merit. Acceptance is the result of the working of grace. Because of God's grace, we are accepted into relationship...

God originally designed acceptance as a way of life. As humans we were to relate to Him and to each other with no thought of condemnation, judgment or criticism. We were connected with each other. In the beginning, Adam and Eve "were both naked, and they felt no shame" (Genesis 2:25). They were vulnerable and not disconnected.

God's acceptance of us in no way negates or minimizes our badness. In fact, He is able to receive us now, not because we are innocent, but because our debt of guilt has been fully paid, once and for all. So when we are afraid that He will not accept us because we have done something wrong, it is we who, at some level, are negating and minimizing what He has done for us. There is truly now no condemnation for those who belong to Jesus (Romans 8:11).

Acceptance plays many roles in how people grow. It is central to the process.

- by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Tips For Growers:

• Work on understanding the Biblical meaning of acceptance. Be aware of any tendencies to see acceptance either as negating our true badness or as being based on our goodness, neither of which is real acceptance. 

• Take an inventory of how acceptance or its lack has affected your life. For example, how has being with unaccepting people kept you from opening up to grace? How has resisting the acceptance of God and others kept you disconnected from growth? How has entering into relationship with acceptance helped you grow?

• Investigate what specific parts of your soul exist outside of acceptance and find out why they do and how you can bring them to acceptance.  

Reasons Why People Continue To  Struggle With Guilt, Feeling Unforgiven

• Wrong Teaching - Many have been taught that we are forgiven until we sin again and then we have to be forgiven all over again. Then they struggle with whether or not their confession was good enough. The Bible does NOT say we go into a state of legal guilt when we sin (read Hebrews 10:1-2)... Some have never been taught how forgiven they are when they believe in Jesus. They truly have been forgiven "once and for all" and there is truly "no condemnation." So the first thing we have to make sure of is whether people understand that if they are reconnected to God, they are NOT guilty. The problem may be their emotions are not following their knowledge... They need to be able to answer their internal accusations with God's truth. But all this assumes a person is confessing His sin to God and asking for forgiveness (1 John 1:9)... [Confessing is still part of the Christian-life process, thought we no longer need to feel guilt and condemnation. That is done with, "once and for all." But] We can only [continue to] receive God's forgiveness to the degree we are confessing. So make sure confession is taking place. If it is, God will cleanse and purify us. 

• Disconnection From Grace - God gives us grace directly, but also through His people. They are part of His grace-distribution system... [Through a] supportive, accepting community [we] can internalize new ways of feeling towards ourselves... When people are in grace settings and truly confessing to each other, their bad parts get totally known, accepted and integrated. When all our badness is known—and loved by grace—it loses its power. The goal is for grace to know all of our bad parts, and confession to God and others achieves that. Their result is guilt is dissolved. 

• False Standards - People who grow up with unrealistic standards from their parents, the media, or the culture often have an "ideal" person in their head to which they compare themselves, and the result is relentless guilt or shame. Their perfectionist standard beats them daily... [But] when they hear stories from others (people) about how hard it was to succeed and how many failures and false starts were endured, they can give themselves more grace... Community helps us see failure as normal... Resolving guilt and shame always involves getting people to see themselves as fellow strugglers instead of super humans... [We rarely learn in isolation] that each person has their struggles and failures. [After all, if we are not around people we won't be exposed to this reality]. When people confess to one another (James 5:16), they find that out. They find out they are not weird and different, but are just like everyone else: fellow sojourners, fellow strugglers. This cuts down tremendously on guilt... Strugglers need to be with strugglers. And in reality, that's all of us. 

• Weak Conscience -  A weak conscience—one that is too strict and is confused on the issues of right and wrong—can keep us from feeling forgiven. [It can even] convict people of things that are not even issues (1 Corinthians 8:7-12). Usually the strict conscience comes from too strict a background, wrong teaching, a fear of losing control, or not enough safety for someone to find out what is helpful and real. If people feel guilty for things that are not even issues, they need the safety and grace of an accepting environment—first, to find out what the Bible really teaches, and second, to face their own appetites and impulses. As they gain the strength that comes from maturity and community, they will not need rigid rules to hold them in check. Self-control takes the place of guilt as the gatekeeper of impulses.     

• Idealization of Conscience - When people think that just feeling bad about something means they are really bad, they might be idealizing their conscience. [This is a problem!] They blindly accept what their conscience says. In other words, they think their conscience is ideal, or without flaw... [They] never question what they feel or think. They just accept it as true. But the Bible does not affirm this. As the apostle Paul says, his conscience could very well be wrong, and it is God who judges us (1 Corinthians 4:4).

• Confusion of Conscience With The Holy Spirit - People [sometimes] can equate their guilt feelings with the voice of the Holy Spirit, [and wrongly say to themselves] "The Spirit is convicting me..." Their guilt is definitely not the conviction of the Holy Spirit. Their guilt is their own feeling, not His. A conviction of the Holy Spirit is something He says and does. It is His imparting of truth to us... Sometimes He is grieved, sometimes concerned. But His convicting is His sending a message. What we feel about that message is a different matter. We may feel guilt or we may feel something else. Some people feel nothing because they ignore the Holy Spirit. So He is convicting but they are not listening. They don't feel guilty... They have closed their hearts to Him...Others feel extraordinarily guilty when the Holy Spirit points something out to them. Again, the guilt is not His doing. He is convicting. What they feel is their own response to His voice.  If it is guilt, they have not yet realized they are not condemned for what He is pointing out.   

• Godly Sorrow Versus Worldly Sorrow - Guilt is not the proper response to the conviction of the Holy Spirit. The proper response is godly sorrow because it is based on love. Paul distinguishes between two kinds of sorrow: "Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves on regret, but worldly sorrow brings death" (2 Corinthians 7:10). The angry condemning conscience is wordly sorrow at work. It is not based in love and does not bring about lasting change and repentance. Worldly sorrow is the kind Judas expressed after he betrayed Jesus. He went out and killed himself. Worldly sorrow is not based on love, but on oneself and one's badness. Godly sorrow is the kind Peter expressed after he denied Jesus. Heartbroken for the hurt He caused someone he loved, he moved toward the relationship and reconciled. He made up. The Bible says we should NOT feel guilty, but we should feel sorry. There is a big difference. On the one hand, guilt focuses on me. It focuses on how bad I am, not on what I have done to hurt you. If I am feeling guilty, I am concerned about feeling good again, not about the destructiveness of the problem or the way I may have hurt someone. Guilt is self-directed. On the other hand, godly sorrow focuses on the offended party. Those who express godly sorrow empathize with how their behavior has affected someone... Instead of our feeling guilty, He wants us to be concerned with how we have hurt Him with our sin [and others]. Godly sorrow is other-directed. The bottom line is that guilt is about the law and godly sorrow is about love... The Holy Spirit is always about love—how God loves us and how He wants us to love others. When He convicts us, He is not trying to make us feel "bad and condemned" or, in short, "guilty." He is trying to get us to see how we are hurting God, others, or ourselves by our behaviors or attitudes. And if we can see that, love will "cause repentance..." In the Bible the opposite of "bad" is not "good." It is love.   

- by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

"He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." - Colossians 1:13-14 ESV

"This includes you who were once far away from God. You were His enemies, separated from Him by your evil thoughts and actions. Yet now He has reconciled you to himself through the death of Christ in his physical body. As a result, He has brought you into His own presence, and you are holy and blameless as you stand before Him without a single fault." - Colossians 1:21-22 NLT

Tips For Growers:

•   Review your view of guilt and see if it squares with what the Bible teaches. Is there a disconnect in what your head believes and what your heart experiences? Determine why.

• See the source of guilt's power as separation from God, love, and other people.  See where that has happened to you and what is keeping it going.

• Examine faulty teaching you have received.

• See where you are disconnected from grace, either from being cut off from others or from being unavailable to the grace offered.

• Examine where these causes of pathological guilt are operating in your life: false standards, weak conscience, strict background, idealization of conscience, worldly sorrow versus godly sorrow, the tone of your correction, true guilt versus false guilt issues and not seeing the real issues that are the problem, old voices, resolving anger, the child position, isolation.

• Determine what contexts and activities with God and others you will undertake to reverse the separation from love you are experiencing and to experience the sources of healing needed.

The Bible stands alone as God's perfect guide to life and growth. Through the miracle of forty or so authors over the course of fifteen hundred years producing a magnificently consistent set of ideas and stories, God laid down all the elements for us to understand how people grow [and resolve personal struggles]... 

So when people expose themselves to the pages of the Bible, something profound happens. They come into contact with the God of the universe and with the way He sees the world and us. Reading the Bible is one of the main ways God speaks into our lives and hearts. Although learning principles and truths is very important, coming close to God personally through the Bible is a higher value. 

- by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

"For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account." - Hebrews 4:12-13 ESV

Jesus prayer for his disciples, to the Father: "Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth." - John 17:17 NIV

"But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves. For if you listen to the word and don’t obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it." - James 1:22-25 NLT

"Jesus answered him, 'If anyone loves me, he will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him.'" - John 14:23 ESV

"The Scriptures are our only reliable source of knowledge about who God is; what He is like; what His will is; what His plans and purposes are; what He has done in the past; what He will do in the future; who we are; what life is all about; how we can know, love, and serve Him; what are the many promises He gives us; and how we can fulfill His purposes in the world. Accordingly, they are also God’s chief instrument for building our faith in Him. The Scriptures are God’s ultimate and final authority for what we are to believe and how we are to behave; they are our lifeline in this fallen world." - Thomas A. Tarrants

Resources:

• QUIZLET (flashcards): The Word of God - Set of Bible verses on this topic

• Bible Reading

• Scripture Memorization

• Bible Study (DBS)

• Biblical Meditations

Tips For Growers:

• Explore how you have related to the Bible in your life. Have you seen it as being about religion and not the rest of life? Or have you experienced it as a book of prohibitions to deprive you? Begin to look at the Bible as bringing life and light to your soul. 

• Make a study of the scope and nature of the Bible—its uniqueness and power in people's lives over the course of several millennia—in order to understand how it is a resource to your everyday life. 

• Ask God to show Himself—not just information—through the Scriptures. Ask Him to show you His ways that will help your growth and path. 

• Understand that the teaching "All you need is the Bible" is itself an unbiblical concept.  Learn that the Bible teaches that, more than just reading it, we need to get out and live it out in our lives and relationships. 

God designed and created our souls. He also created the process of growing them and rebuilding them from their fallen, crippled state... God stretches our souls to grow them into something stronger and better. Sometimes He literally "wounds" and "heals" (Isaiah 30:26). And it is true that "Blows and wounds cleanse away evil, and beatings purge the inmost being" (Proverbs 20:30). Certain suffering tears down aspects of our character that need to be torn down and builds up new aspects that we need in order to live as we were designed to live. So suffering can be good. It can take us to places where one or more seasons of "comfort" cannot. 

But suffering can also be terrible. Some suffering is not a "wound to heal."  Such suffering inflicts evil on a person's heart and soul and is totally outside God's desire. Although God can bring good out of the experience, the experience itself is no good at all. 

[So] there is therapeutic suffering, and there is a destructive suffering at the hands of evil people. The key is to be able to tell the difference between the two and to apply the right kind of experience to each... When life mugs someone, we need to give him or her healing, support, love and comfort. We need to give strength and life support to those who are weak from things that have happened to them (1 Thessalonians 5:14). We are to "bear one another's burdens" (Galatians 6:2) and to help each other through hard times. We hurt and we need help. 

As was said, some pain is "good for nothing" and should not be treated as if it has purposeful value. Our character does not grow in the same way, although we may develop the fruit of faith, perseverance and a deep capacity of empathy for others. But other suffering does have value and produce growth. We call this "good pain."

"Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing." - James 1:2-5 NLT

We all have coping mechanisms that cover up pain, help us deal with fear, enable us to cope with relational inabilities, and help us hold it all together. Trials and suffering push those mechanisms past the breaking point so we find out where we need to grow. Then true spiritual growth begins at deeper levels, and we are healed. Righteousness and character take the place of coping.

This kind of suffering is good. It breaks down and stretches the "weak muscle" of the soul and replaces it with stronger muscle. In this suffering, the prize we win is character—a very valuable prize indeed. 

"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because He has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love." - Romans 5:3-5 NLT 

In true character growth, we stretch to grow. We push through the fear, the vulnerability and the pain. We embrace suffering to reach a higher level. We have to ask others and ourselves to push through some very painful and scary things...

"No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way." - Hebrews 12:11 NLT

In our lives, the death of certain aspects of character has to happen to get to the healing we need. Jesus modeled going the distance, even to death. He modeled facing suffering with an eye toward His Father, knowing He could deliver him if He desired, but that God had greater purpose in having Jesus go through the process instead. This is what our attitude toward suffering to be as well. 

Bad pain comes from repeating old patterns and avoiding the suffering it would take to change them, because many times people suffer because of their own character faults... [This] suffering is the fruit of their own character and is of no value unless they see it as a wake up call... Bad pain is basically wasted pain. It is the pain we go through to avoid the good pain of growth that comes from pushing through. It is the wasted pain we encounter as we try to avoid grief and true hurt that needs to be worked through—to avoid the growth steps we need to take to keep from repeating mistakes... A lot of pain comes from not facing our own issues that repetitively cause pain... Not facing the growth we have to face always leads to further suffering—and the further suffering is usually progressively worse. If a person is not facing things, the dynamics and symptoms and relationships get worse as time goes on.   

 - by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Tips For Growers:

• Examine your view of suffering to see if you have the pain and suffering of growth figured out. Determined whether you have been blamed for the muggings of life (evils done to you) or have not seen the value of growth sufferings. Examine the counsel you have received. 

• Make sure you have space for "good pain" in your view of life so that you can embrace it. 

• Determine if there is bad or worthless pain in your life that you need to face and see differently. Convert it to helpful suffering. Take a look at what issues you should embrace. 

• Make sure that you are not seeking consolation for things you need to change. 

• Look for repetitive patterns in your life that you should own up to. 

• See whether the roles of the suffering of Christ are present in your life. 

• Take an inventory of the grief you need to face. Get the support you need to go through it. 

When most people turn to God to improve life, they look at what He is going to do for them. If they struggle at work, they ask God for a new job or career account. If they struggle in relationships, they look to God to bring them a relationship or change the person they are with. If they are depressed or addicted, they look to God for healing and deliverance. We all look to the sky and want Him to make our lives better. But the tough reality is that while He does give us jobs, relationships and blessings, He also wants to make us better as well...

Some of the things we want from God, [including changes in our personality and character to be more like Him,] are fruits of our becoming more mature and righteous as we work with Him. If we don't possess these things, the reason may be that we are not changing, and growing in the needed ways... Changing [means] turning from doing things my way to doing things God's way. 

People who want to experience the true growth revealed in the Bible will shift 180 degrees from the ways of the world to the ways of the kingdom of God, because only the ways of the kingdom work. "Seeking His kingdom and His righteousness," (Matthew 6:33) according to the Bible, is the only true path to life (John 10:10).

The kingdom of God, which seeks weakness, brokenness, righteousness, and purity of heart, is altogether different from the kingdoms of this world, which seek power and victory. From a growth perspective, the only path to make it all work is the path of the kingdom, not the path of this world... Getting righteous and aligned with the ways of the kingdom and getting healthy are one and the same thing. We need to seek God's kingdom and righteousness, not to be good, but to stay alive [and thrive in the midst of a dark and confused world].  

- by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Tips For Growers:

• Take a look at your own attitudes about righteousness. See if you resist the concept in your heart. Be converted to the idea that "right truly is good for you." It is the way you are going to get the life that you desire and it's much more than being "good." It's the way to the "good life." 

• Take an inventory of the specific areas of your life that are not "righteous." See them as at best keeping you from what you desire and at worst destroying you. Repent of the lack of righteousness in these areas. 

• Get rid of the "shoulds" thinking and get to the "I need to" thinking about righteousness. You need to get "right" with God, not because it is the thing you "should do," but because it is the thing you truly "need to do."  

• Develop a context in which you can get deeper insight and understanding about yourself and what you lack in terms of righteous living. The process is much deeper than just knowing the concepts. The concepts must interfere with where you are and call you to change. 

   The Bible teaches that everyone needs discipline and correction to grow: "My son, do not despise the Lord's discipline and do not resent His rebuke" (Proverbs 3:11). Along with all other elements of growth [we must deal with], discipline is a necessary—in fact, a principal—one...

Discipline, in its broadest sense, is training for a person to learn self-control in some area of life... God disciplines us so that we will be disciplined people—that is, we go through external correction and consequences so that we will make discipline a part of our internal life and experience. We become disciplined by God and others. Why do we need to be disciplined to learn self-control? Because we are not in control ourselves. Like children, we go astray, make mistakes and need parameters. One of the fruits of the Spirit is self-control (Galatians 5:23), and it comes from God over time so that we can run our lives under His rule. And like children, we know when it has born fruit inside of us, when we are not as dependent on the outside structure to stay in control. 

So discipline is one of the necessary ingredients of spiritual growth. Our need for discipline applies to much more than problems in organization and structure... it applies to every area of life in which we are NOT operating as we should, from attitudes to relationship conflicts to faith struggles... Loving correction and reminders from others [when we are failing in one or more of these areas] can make us more aware of it so that we can take responsibility for the issue [at hand]...

Several aspects to discipline operate in our hearts and aid our spiritual growth. Some are qualities of the person being trained, and some are qualities of the process. When the discipline works as it should, these all add up to much growth. 

What The Grower Must Provide

• Receptiveness - We need to be receptive to discipline's training. The more we embrace the necessary pains of growth, the more discipline bears fruit (Hebrews 12:11).

• Confession - To "confess" is to agree with the truth. When God or others are disciplining us, we need to agree on the issue or problem. When we confess, we are aligning ourselves with the process of growth and repair (James 5;16). When we do not confess, we can negate discipline's good effects... Confession begins the process of repair. 

• Repentance - When we encounter God's discipline, we need to be willing not only to agree with the truth, but to live out the truth—that is, to turn around or repent. Repentance means that we truly will change what needs to be changed... It is better to think of repentance as an attitude of turning both from what is NOT the best and towards the good. This may involve changing how we deal with life... This repentance helps us to move from death to life. 

What The Process Must Provide

• A Source Of Discipline - Discipline must come from the outside until we develop self-control and maturity. God provides three sources of discipline:

  1. God - He chastens and corrects us directly.

  2. People - We need caring, honest, perceptive, people who will love us to correct us when we stray. 

  3. Reality - God has constructed the universe to operate with certain laws. When we disobey those laws, we feel the pain of the consequences... This discomfort alerts us to the task of reaching out to others' lives.   

• Empathy From Others - Discipline must be administered with gentleness and care. Knowing the one doing it cares for us lessens the discomfort of receiving correction. We can bear consequences when we know that God and others are doing it to correct us, not to punish us. 

• Pain - Discipline generally requires pain to be effective. Pain signals a problem to which we should pay attention. God, people and reality administer that pain in the right dosages for us to see what is going on, and then we correct ourselves. 

• Time - Sometimes discipline performs its work very quickly, and sometimes not so quickly, depending on the following factors:

  1. The attitude of the grower

  2. The severity of the issue being dealt with

  3. How early in life the problem began (how ingrained the bad habit is)

  4. The spiritual and emotional resources available to help

• Internalization - Internalization is the process of emotional learning that means a person has made the experience a part of themselves. They no longer need the external structure and pain, because they have taken in the lesson and grown from it. It is more than simply memorizing a list; it requires both mind and heart. 

- by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Tips For Growers:

• Take an inventory on how NOT having self-control has affected your life in some area—such as spiritually or relationally or financially or sexually or in parenting or career or home maintenance or food.  

• Investigate why you have lacked discipline in those areas, whether from a lack of accountability with others or from over-harsh discipline or from resistance to submitting to the process. Make a plan to enter discipline from a balanced, loving context of growth.

• Understand that discipline CANNOT come from willpower and commitment, as those are on the inside. When we lack self-control, we must find discipline from other-control—that is, external structures that help us internalize discipline. 

• See God as caring and loving, not punitive, when He disciplines you. 

• Above all, look at any tendencies to deny, rationalize, minimize or blame your self-control struggles. Own the problems, and find good discipline sources.    

 Just about everyone would agree that we all need to grow spiritually.  We need to be close to God, love each other, read the Bible and apply its truths. But many do not believe that a major reason to grow is that we are in a deep and severe state of neediness and incompleteness. Yet the Bible teaches that all of us are in this state... every person needs God's grace and mercy. By our very nature, we are broken people, with no hope except for God. 

Not everyone is aware of his or her neediness... however some are. Jesus described those who are aware of their neediness as poor in spirit. "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven"  (Matthew 5:3). The Greek word for "poor in spirit" indicates a cringing beggar, absolutely dependent on others for survival... the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as those who experience their dependency.  

Spiritual poverty is about living in reality—as experiencing our state of incompleteness before God. This can be due to weaknesses, unfulfilled needs,  emotional injuries and hurts at the hands of others, and our immaturities and sins. It has to do with those parts of ourselves that are not what they should be and that we cannot repair in our own strength. When people experience at a deep level their neediness, incompleteness, and dependency—the way they actually are—they are often overwhelmed. Spiritual poverty is the cure for narcissism, self-righteousness, and a host of other problems. When our eyes are opened to our brokenness, we do not "feel better about ourselves"; rather, we feel that something is terribly wrong.  

Yet Jesus calls this a "blessed" condition because it helps us get closer to God. Our state of incompleteness drives us outside ourselves to God as the source of healing and hope. When we are comfortably independent, it is easy to avoid our need for God... All of us need to get to a needy place before growth can happen. 

Brokenheartedness is related to spiritual poverty. Brokenheartedness is a state of being woundedness or crushed by some loss, person, hurt, injustice, or circumstance.  When a person is downcast because of an emotional, relational, or career injury, he is brokenhearted. God has special tenderness for this condition: "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Psalm 34:18). 

Those with life's problems have more opportunity to recognize their need for God's healing, because the evidence is right there in front of them... Being aware of our incompleteness orients us towards God and His ways, where He awaits us with all we need to grow and repair... No one can become a Christian who does not admit, at some level, her lostness and hopelessness in freeing herself from the prison and penalty of sin (Romans 3:23)... Without poverty there is no motivating hunger. 

- by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

"For God, who said, 'Let there be light in the darkness,' has made this light shine in our hearts so we could know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ. We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves." - 2 Corinthians 4:6-7 NLT

Tips For Growers:

•  Realize that spiritual poverty, though it sounds negative, is actually a blessed state and the only way to receive God's growth and healing.  Adopt that attitude towards yourself and God.

• Review your life experiences and look at ways you may have entered spiritual poverty - through losses, failures, or simply a hunger for God and an awareness of your incompleteness.  See how God used these experiences to bring you closer to him.

• Be aware of your brokenheartedness, and be mindful that this is not a sinful state, but a state of being sinned against or simply hurt by a broken world system.  Learn that your brokenheartedness was not meant to be borne alone or just with God, but also with others.

• Bring up to God and people you trust your weakness, brokenness, and immaturity.  Confess these, admit you can't change them in your own power, and admit you need outside resources to help you.

A basic definition of obedience, for spiritual growth purposes,  is "to be God-directed, not self-directed." Obedience is to look outside ourselves for our purpose, values and decisions. This essential stance of life admits that God knows better than we do how to guide our steps. And it is the only way to truly live, for He is life itself. One of God's great desires for us is "that [we] may love the Lord [our] God, listen to His voice, and hold fast to Him. For the Lord is [our] life (Deuteronomy 30:20). Therefore, we cannot grow spiritually without obedience. We cannot live apart from God. He is our life. 

For many people, however, obedience means "to be deprived and withheld from." [In their own broken view] God basically says, "Be really good, and don't do any fun stuff," with no real benefit, except maybe in heaven. Nothing could be further from the truth. Obedience leads to very good things for us. As we travel down God's paths of conducting life, we reap many benefits. In fact, both survival and prosperity—major aspects of a good life—depend on obedience: "The Lord commanded us to obey all these decrees and to fear the Lord, so that we might always prosper and be kept alive, as is the case today" (Deuteronomy 6:24). The results of obedience and disobedience are very different: "If you are willing and obedient, you will eat the best from the land; but if you resist and rebel, you will be devoured by the sword" (Isaiah 1:19-20)... When we follow His way, life works better...

Not only does obedience deal with all of life, but it also encompasses all of us, both inside and out. Obedience is far more profound than simply refraining from external sin, such as lying, stealing and committing adultery, though it certainly includes those. Obedience has also to do with submitting our values, emotions and hearts to Christ's lordship. God asks for no less than total commitment. There is nothing more important, and nothing more demanding. In fact, it requires our lives, which then saves our lives (Mark 8:35).

Jesus replied, "The most important commandment is this: ‘Listen, O Israel! The Lord our God is the one and only Lord. And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.’ The second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ No other commandment is greater than these.” - Mark 12:29-31 NLT

- by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Tips For Growers:

• Realize that obedience is more than simply adhering to specific commands, but rather away of life that will bring you good fruit and success.   

• Understand the nature of both external and internal obedience. When you encounter a personal struggle, look at both dimensions of obedience to see what is awry.

• Ask God to tell you what your specific growth tasks of obedience are, so that you may know how to follow Him in Your maturing path. 

• See the reality of falling from obedience as normal, and know how to use the processes of confession and repentance to get back on the road. 

• Look at obedience relationally: How is your life affecting God and others? What obedience might you enter to be more fully reconciled to them?

The Bible says we are responsible and accountable for our sin. [It also says] we are powerless to keep from sinning—we just can't change on our own.

The Bible tells us that we cannot avoid the problems we find ourselves in, we cannot change ourselves once we are in them, and we are held totally responsible and accountable for them. In short, we are in prison or, as the Bible says, we are "slaves to sin." As Paul explains it,

"And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway."  - Romans 7:18-19 NLT

[What is the Bible's answer to this dilemma?] The Bible gives us [a Savior!] For it is exactly into that prison that Jesus comes and tells us He will break us out. This is Good News indeed. [But we will need to] get serious about seeking help from outside ourselves... While the law... cannot help, Jesus can. He replaces living by the law with living by the Spirit. This is the answer to all the problems sin ever throw at us. 

To change the areas we want to change, we first have to admit to them (confession) and admit we are unable to change them by ourselves (Matthew 5:3). Then we have to be set free by establishing a relationship with Jesus, which takes care of the guilt and condemnation of the law (Romans 8:1)... 

Then, as the verse says, to be set free we must live according to the Spirit. Here is where most failure takes place. People think they only need to confess and lean on God for help... [But] living in the Spirit includes many other things we have to ask God to do for us through His Spirit...

When we admit powerlessness, ask God and others for help, repent, continue to stay plugged into a supportive environment, seek healing for the healing parts of ourselves, and receive deep forgiveness, give that to others, and obey God—when we do all these things, long-standing patterns of problematic behavior change.   

The Bible's commandment regarding sin is and always has been: Repent. However, "repent" means to have a total change of mind, to think differently—and that involves an entire turning around of our entire life, not just behavior—and to begin to live according to the whole life of the Spirit. So, "repent" is not a shallow commandment. It is a total life change to the life of the Spirit and all that entails...  

[In looking further in,] It is not just our inability to keep from sinning that gets us in trouble. We are sometimes very able to keep from sinning, and we choose not to. We rebel... Even though we have the sin nature, at any given moment we do have control over some areas of our character, yet we choose not to exercise this control. [This is all] about things we are "unwilling" to do. 

So when dealing with our own hurt, lacks, and other motivators of behavior and those of the people we help, we have to remember that there is a difference between what happens to me and how I deal with it (how I respond)... We can respond redemptively or destructively... Blame is part of the natural order of fallen humankind. We do not "own" our behavior; instead we automatically shift responsibility... [But] if we continue to [blame and] to explain our sin away, we will die. Sin kills us, and blame gives life to sin. Blame keeps sin breathing and thriving in our lives.   

[So] getting to the root of the motivations of our behavior is very important. Many motivations or driving forces are not our fault. But this does not mean that our behavior is not our responsibility. Sin is not just something we do; it is not just behavior. It encompasses the roots of behavior as well. Too often we think of sin only in external terms, not internal (Luke 11:39-40)... Looking inside ourselves (to internal motivations) and resolving the issues we find there is key to having the outside be good. If we are full of "crummy stuff," then we will exhibit crummy behavior...  

If we are going to get well, we have to have the safety to look inside, confess what we find there, grieve it, repent of it, and "put off [our] old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of [our] minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness" (Ephesians 4:22-24). We have to  be made new from the inside out, and that begins with facing how ugly things are inside... Then we can begin to clean up our insides.  

The Bible has a strategy for avoiding sin: Get away from tempting things before the temptation, not after. "Run" is the advice of the Bible. If you are not there, you can't be tempted. And when you find yourself in danger, don't just stand there and try to win. Instead, run from it—flee it—treat it as dangerous. 

- by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Tips For Growers:

• See yourself as both powerless and responsible for your sin. Die to any model of thinking that says that willpower will suffice and that if sin is ruling over you, you can just "do better." That is deluding yourself. 

• See the seriousness of your sin and its destructiveness.  Find the ways by which you have denied how it is keeping you from experiencing all that you want to have in life and with God and other people.

• Take responsibility for your sin - honestly and squarely.

• Realize that personal sin is not the cause of everything bad in your life, because you live in a fallen world.  See also where other people's sin is responsible for bad things in your life.

• Get rid of the law in your life and the cycle of trying harder, failing, going into condemnation, and then trying harder, in contrast to living by the Spirit.

• Enter into the whole process of spiritual growth as you fight against sin and not just willpower, or leaning on God or even other good things apart from all that He gives us in the life of the Spirit.  Make sure that you fight sin not with a few of the weapons God has provided but rather than with the whole arsenal.

• Face rebellion directly.  It is one of the worst sins there is, and it will destroy you.

• Have an overall orientation towards repentance.

• Give no excuses for your sin.

• Make sure you have a view of sin that is not just external but also internal, and that you have a place that encourages you to deal with internal sin with God and others.

• Face and deal with the needs and deprivations that may be driving some sins.  Find where you are separated from the life of God.

• Ask yourself where you are not avoiding or fleeing temptation.  God has promised a way out.  Make sure that you begin fleeing instead of thinking you can withstand temptation.

• Take a deeper view of sin whereby you see the effects of original sin and how it is operating in your life.  See where you have disconnected from God as the source of life, God as the Boss, relationship as primary, and the roles humankind is supposed to play.  Deal with these roots in your life.

Truth plays several different roles in spiritual growth: 

Truth As A Path Of Life - The first is that it provides a structure for the process of growth. To mature, people need a path or guide to know the way. Truth is that path: "I have chosen the way of truth; I have set my heart on Your laws" (Psalm 119:30). Without truth's guidance, growth would not happen... When people are given the truth as a guide, they know how to order their steps to complete the process. 

Truth Is Married To Love And Grace - Relationship requires a structure. The Bible often puts love and grace together with truth to shoe thier closeness (Psalm 40:10; John 1:14; 2 John 3). When love is separated from truth, people cannot grow... God does not divide love from truth. He is fully loving and fully truthful with us.

Truth Saves And Gives Life - Truth both preserves and provides a live for us. It protects us, and it also guides us into activities and relationships that are life-giving... More than protecting our lives, the truth also gives us life. When we seek out truth, we get involved in what is important for our lives. We search the Bible to solve problems.  We go to trusted friends with our struggles, dreams and desires. The truth gives us answers, hope and solutions. 

Truth Separates What Is Real And What Is Not - Truth is a divider and separator. It helps us clarify the real from the not-so-real (Hebrew 4:12). When the truth emerges, [you can finally step] in to solve any problems. When truth is hidden, many problems can arise. 

- by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Jesus prayer for his disciples, to the Father: "Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth." - John 17:17 NIV

Tips For Growers:

• Examine your preconceptions about truth. Do you experience truth as harsh or critical or condemning? Rework your approach to truth to see it as a giver of life and as your friend. 

• Look for ways to internalize truth, including Scriptural teachings, promptings of the Spirit, safe people and circumstances. See your relationship with truth as connecting to your people relationships and growth. 

• Become aware of your resistance to certain types of truth. For example, some people are more comfortable dealing with the truth of their hurt and weakness, but averse to connecting with the truth of their selfishness and rebellion. For others, it may be the converse. 

• Learn both to receive and to give truth graciously and humbly. See the value of making truthfulness a part of your deepest relationships. 

Activity—being energetically involved in an endeavor—is part of who God is and we are made in His image. God is constantly working on His own agenda and tasks. As Jesus said, "My Father is always at His work to this very day, and I, too, am working" (John 5:17)... God never stops His active search to love and help those who want Him. 

"The eyes of the Lord search the whole earth in order to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to Him..." (2 Chronicles 16:9a)

God takes the initiative to find and help those who love Him. Activity has to do with the "doing" parts of life as opposed to the "relating"parts. God constructed life to break down basically into two tasks: work and love. 

Adam and Eve were designed to relate deeply to God and to each other as well as to rule and subdue the earth He had assigned to them. Spiritual, relational people also have meaningful, active lives of purpose. They are deeply connected emotionally and have jobs, ministries, and hobbies that make life fuller. 

Activity and love are intertwined. Love is the fuel of activity; love is also its purpose and goal. Loving God and others is the end result and purpose of basically any good activity. Being connected emotionally to God and others requires effort and initiative. It takes work to seek out safe people, open up to them, confess who we are, and receive and give truth and reality to them. Relationship is not at all passive. As most people know, our most precious relationships are those in which we have invested a lot of energy. 

Action is always an integral part of growth. Spiritual growth does not "happen" to us; it requires a great deal of blood, sweat, and tears... Our sanctification is a collaborative effort between God and us. We have certain tasks. He has certain tasks also, such as preparing our hearts, setting up the circumstances, and bringing forth results from the growth work. The Bible teaches this partnership this way: 

"...continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 13 for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose." - Philippians 2:12a-13 NIV

"...work hard to show the results of your salvation, obeying God with deep reverence and fear. 13 For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases Him." - Philippians 2:12b-13 NLT

We work out our salvation, meaning we diligently execute our responsibilities in growth. All the while, in mysterious and often invisible ways, God works in us for His purposes. He does the many things we cannot do for ourselves, for which we depend on Him.

When we grow spiritually, we perform many tasks. Exploring the depths of our souls  and seeing what needs to be done is hard and sometimes scary work. This work requires love and support from God and others. Love functions as fuel for us. Energized by those who care for us, we are able to carry out the tasks... 

When we are active in our growth, we tend to take more responsibilities for our lives. The experiences of being involved, learning, taking risks, and talking to others about our lives increases the level of ownership we have in the process... The more you own your life, the more things change for the better. 

- by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Tips For Growers:

• Look at all the ways God actively works for your betterment. Use that as a model for you to take initiative in the growth process. 

• Review your life and consider the times you were passive or fearful and missed opportunities God intended for you. Investigate the reasons behind these, and work on them. 

• Be aware of any tendencies to see spiritual growth as something only God does, and look at how you can partner with God. Deal with devaluing attitudes towards activity, such as "it's not being spiritual" or "it's not trusting God."

• In relationships, take initiative in reconciling with people as opposed to waiting on them to approach you, apologize and so on. Give up fairness for reconciliatory activity. 

• Unearth any passive rescue wishes you might have in your heart. Deal with them as unhelpful to you, and work on letting them go, replacing them with your partnership with God and others.

So many growers expect that, if they read their Bibles and do the right things, they will instantly and permanently change. They are disappointed when this does not happen. They may feel God has let them down or they are doing something wrong, when in fact everything may be proceeding as God planned it. Time is a necessary ingredient of growth. 

So What Takes All The Time?

• Experience - Spiritual growth involves the whole person. All of our parts need to be exposed to God's love and healing: heart, soul and mind (Matthew 22:37). This means that growth is much more than cognitively understanding or memorizing a fact, idea or principle... We need to add experience to our intellectual grasp of growth. What people call those eighteen inches between the head and the heart. Experience, by definition, takes time.   

• Grace - Of all the growth principles of growth, internalizing God's grace and forgiveness takes the most amount of time. It is much more natural for people to try to earn God's love or to learn a habit or ritual; it is unnatural for us to live by grace and forgiveness. That which is not natural requires more time. 

• Repeated Exposure - Another reason we need time to grow is that it takes more than one "inoculation" for us to mature. A single lesson or experience is not enough. Growth requires repetition (practice) to sink into our heart and character.

• From The Inside Out - Internal changes of heart and life cause true character growth. It is from the inside out, not from the outside in. As hearts are transformed, they also transform the external life. But this takes time.  

- by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." - Colossians 2:23-24 NIV

Tips For Growers:

• Make the adjustments from an instant results mentality to a Biblical process of growth that bears fruit over time. Understand why growth takes time, and understand the purpose of time in that process. 

• Confess and repent of any performance-based, perfectionistic, or grandiose tendencies to be in control of the time involved in your growth.

• Understand the part time plays in moving from intellect "knowing" to heart "knowing" (from the mind to the heart).

• Be a person who uses the ingredient of time to be willing to expose yourself to the same growth experiences repeatedly until you internalize them.