19 Relational Skills We So Desperately Need
Informed by: Transforming Fellowship - 19 Brain Skills That Build Joyful Community (by Chris Coursey)
Informed by: Transforming Fellowship - 19 Brain Skills That Build Joyful Community (by Chris Coursey)
The 19 brain skills listed below are essential for optimal relational, personal, emotional, spiritual, and mental health throughout our lives. Ideally, we would develop most of these skills by age three and continue refining them as we grow. However, many of us miss out on acquiring these skills in childhood due to less-than-ideal environments.
When these skills are missing or are underdeveloped, we may feel inadequate, cope with life in rigid and painful ways and sense that something is missing. We might react to people and circumstances out of fear, pursue unhealthy or temporal activities to feel better, and find relationships confusing or abrasive. This can lead to a disconnect between our inner selves and outward appearances, leaving us feeling lost and empty.
With focused effort and training—which involves human interactions, practice, and time—we can transform into confident, emotionally intelligent individuals who engage the world with God's grace. No matter our age, we can learn all nineteen skills, leading to:
Stronger Relationships: Stay connected so that problems don't ruin our relationships.
Curiosity and Flexibility: Remain curious during conflicts and flexible under stress.
Emotional Regulation: Regulate our emotions to interact creatively and meaningfully with others.
Effective Communication: Tell stories that express our values and character, inspiring listeners.
Resilience: Build inner strength to endure stress and suffer well during pain.
Identify and Reflect: Ask yourself if you are consistently using each skill. Understand what you need to develop further.
Practice: Engage in exercises designed to strengthen each skill. This requires self-discipline and continuous practice.
Stay Connected: Build and maintain relationships in communities that encourage accountability, model healthy interactions and promote growth.
Self-Reflect: Regularly assess your progress and personal improvement in these areas.
Help Others: Aim to not only grow yourself but also mentor and guide others in developing these skills. Your authentic and consistent example can inspire others to form healthy mental pathways.
Reflect on each skill and ask, "Is this a skill I consistently operate in?"
If not fully developed, identify what needs to be established to become a relationally mature person.
Practice relational exercises to develop each skill, with long-term intent and self-discipline.
Build and maintain relationships in communities that promote accountability, model healthy interactions, and promote growth.
Continuously self-reflect on progress and improvement in these areas.
Aim to help others grow in these skills, not just for personal growth but also in mentoring and discipling others.
Model authentic and consistent living to provide examples for those who lack these skills.
Help others form mental pathways of what they could become through your life example.
By intentionally developing and mastering these 19 skills, we grow in emotional intelligence, and enhance our relationships and overall well-being, leading to a more fulfilling and connected life, while helping others do the same.
Engaging the brain's "relational engine" by turning on our relational circuits puts us in the best position to learn and practice relational skills. Without these circuits, we disconnect, unable to give or receive in positive ways. Growth in relationships is impossible if our circuits are off, and we miss out on the connection and care we need to thrive. Fortunately, there are simple ways to turn them on, allowing us to experience deeper connection, learning, and growth.
Learning to activate your brain's relational circuits is a key step in using the other 19 skills. When your circuits are off, it becomes much harder to stay connected with others. With practice, we can keep these circuits active, helping us stay grounded in both good and challenging times.
Practice Exercises For Skill 0: Turning On The Relational Circuits
Joy is contagious and grows when shared with others. It spreads through bright eyes, warm voices, and body signals that say, "We're happy to be together!" Joy energizes us to connect and stay engaged. It fuels love, strengthens friendships, and helps families recover from hard times. Shared joy helps us bond and build strong, healthy brains.
This skill is about intentionally placing ourselves in relationships (with individuals or groups) where we can both give and receive joy. It’s about recognizing our ability to brighten someone’s day and doing what allows them to feel and share that joy. This mutual joy strengthens both us and others.
Practice Exercises for Skill 1: Shared Joy
Quieting our thoughts and body after both joyful and upsetting emotions is a key skill for lifelong mental health. Why? Because relationships need a balance of joy and rest. Moments of joyful interaction leave us feeling refreshed, but brief pauses for rest during these interactions give us the strength for more joy. Simple quieting happens when we briefly look away or pause to recover from the energy of a conversation. It’s not about taking a break, but about creating small pauses in the middle of an interaction. Without these pauses, we quickly feel overwhelmed, drained, and even depressed.
Skill 2 helps keep relationships balanced by calming our body and mind. It’s a purposeful pause—taking a moment to breathe during interactions. This skill complements Skill 1 by ensuring our interactions stay manageable and satisfying. Quieting moments anchor us on busy days and help us stay productive. By the end of the day, learning to calm and regulate our emotions is essential for our well-being.
Practice Exercises for Skill 2: Simple Quiet
Skill 3 is about forming a deep bond between two people. In this connection, both individuals share a mutual state of mind that brings them closer, while also allowing for independence. When this bond is mutual, both feel satisfied.
This skill involves an interactive “dance” where two people respect each other's signals and boundaries. Through shared expressions, feelings, thoughts, and words, they develop a rhythm of understanding. The goal is to keep the interaction safe and manageable, allowing a shared mind state to form. This brain-to-brain connection helps both feel seen, valued, and understood. It also supports the smooth transfer of skills and traits.
With this relational skill, there’s no need to hide or pretend. Instead, we feel confident, becoming resilient, resourceful, playful, and creative in our relationships.
Practice Exercises for Skill 3: Form Bonds For Two
The Blessings of Appreciating People
Appreciation is like packaged joy—a gift we can share anytime, anywhere, with anyone. Gratitude and appreciation go hand in hand. As we enjoy special moments, we store and share them, which boosts joy even more. This shared appreciation spreads joy to the people we interact with every day.
We create appreciation with simple gestures, like saying, "I love how your face shows the kindness in your heart," or "Thank you for your service." These short, meaningful moments can brighten a tough day and bring warmth to those who are sad or hurting.
Sharing appreciation activates our brain's relational circuits, calms our nervous system, and releases bonding hormones, making us feel connected and peaceful. When Skill 4 becomes part of our daily interactions, we are at our best. Research shows that appreciation improves life and relationships. It creates a sense of belonging and turns stress into contentment.
When we use Skill 4 in relationships, we train our brain to:
Look for things we are thankful for.
Savor the good things in life and the blessings from God.
Speak our appreciation to those around us, sharing joy with others.
Appreciating God
Appreciation also deepens our relationship with God. Brain science shows that we naturally open up to the people we appreciate. So, when we appreciate God, we open ourselves to attune and receive from Him. A simple way to begin is by expressing gratitude: “Jesus, I thank You for ___________” (something He did). As we recognize what God has done, it becomes easier to appreciate who He is—His character and nature. What He does for us reveals His heart and shows us more clearly the kind of God He is.
For Example:
Gratitude: "Jesus, I thank You for comforting me during that difficult time. Your peace helped me respond with calmness and wisdom instead of fear."
Appreciation: "Jesus, I appreciate that You are the Great Comforter. You bring peace and remind us that You are always with us, guarding our souls."
Gratitude helps us reconnect with God and strengthens our attachment to Him. It’s the first step in building joy and experiencing a deeper, more consistent relationship with Him.
Practice
Practice Exercises for Skill 4: Create Appreciation
Family bonds allow us to share the joy that comes from being with the people we love. While bonds between two people create a "couple-style" connection (Skill 3), Skill 5 focuses on building joy within groups of three or more. These bonds are essential for creating a sense of community.
Through these group bonds, we learn to understand and appreciate multiple perspectives, which is key for navigating group relationships. Family bonds, often formed with our parents, teach us that there’s enough love for everyone. This skill strengthens our ability to maintain joyful connections with several people at once, helping us feel a deeper sense of belonging within our community.
Practice Exercises for Skill 5: Form Family Bonds
Caring deeply often leads to deep pain. Each person has issues that particularly hurt or frustrate them, and these are likely the areas where they are most vulnerable. By examining these lifelong struggles, we can uncover the core values that shape our unique identity. The things that hurt us most are often tied to the non-negotiable values that drive and motivate us.
We hurt more when we care deeply, and because of the pain caused by these values, many see them as burdens rather than treasures. However, our deepest hurts often conceal our greatest treasures. If we take time to explore them, they reveal our true heart values. The main idea is that caring deeply leads to pain, but within that pain lies the key to understanding our greatest strengths and values.
Key Questions To Ask Yourself To Help Identify Your Heart Values
What things bother me? Why do I hurt like this? What does my pain say about me? What has God placed within me that would cause me to be bothered by this particular issue?
What things excite me? What gets me out of bed in the mornings?
What inspires me? What things tug at my heart emotionally?
What gives me hope and makes me feel alive?
Another Great Activity To Get At Your Heart Values
Ask three people who know you well to tell you the qualities they see in you that they admire. Check if patterns emerge.
Practice Exercises for Skill 6: Identify Heart Values
Skill 7 is about telling stories using your whole brain, combining the right hemisphere (which manages emotions and experiences) and the left hemisphere (which packages the story into words). When our brain is well-trained and free from emotional or spiritual blockages, it works in sync, allowing us to tell complete, cohesive stories.
A "four-plus" story shows how the storyteller experienced a negative emotion but was still able to act like themselves. This type of storytelling trains the brain to handle life's challenges by engaging both sides of the brain—the right side (handling the four levels of emotional processing) and the left side (providing words). Practicing this helps the brain grow and adapt in relationships.
What Is a Four-Plus Story?
In a four-plus story, the storyteller briefly describes a situation, including the emotions they felt (such as sadness, shame, anger, fear, disgust, or despair). The storyteller explains how they felt during the event and how they were able to act like themselves despite the emotions.
Guidelines for Four-Plus Storytelling
Maintain eye contact while telling your story.
Share with moderate emotion, ensuring the story isn’t too intense for the listener.
Frame the story using one of these formats:
How I Returned to Joy (Skill 11)
How I Acted Like Myself (Skill 12)
How I Now See What God Sees – Immanuel Moments (Skill 13)
Each story should highlight a specific feeling for clarity.
Show authentic emotion on your face and in your voice.
Use words to describe emotions and body sensations.
Practice telling familiar stories, keeping them concise (under 2 minutes).
Practice Exercises for Skill 7: Synchronized Storytelling
We need to understand where we are, what we missed, and where we're headed in terms of maturity .(see PDF) . Without a clear path, we tend to fall into the same traps repeatedly. Knowing our ideal maturity level helps us see if our development is stalled or incomplete. By identifying our baseline maturity level, we can determine what the next step in our growth should be.
Moment-to-moment awareness of our maturity level also helps us recognize if we've been triggered or if we've hit a "gap" in our emotional development that needs attention. When our maturity level drops, it's a sign that our emotional capacity is drained, either in ourselves or others. This skill is essential for understanding emotional growth and noticing any gaps in our maturity as we progress through life.
Practice Exercises for Skill 8: Identify Maturity Levels
Verbal and nonverbal cues act as warning signs when we've reached our limit. Often, by the time we notice these signals, it's too late—someone has already pushed past the need for a break. Ignoring these cues comes at a cost: trust breaks down, and personal boundaries are disregarded.
We tend to avoid people who don't respect our limits. When others ignore our "stop" signals, it leads to feelings of being violated or dishonored. Teasing, bullying, and even aggression occur when Skill 9—knowing when to pause—falls out of practice. Maintaining trust and closeness requires us to take brief moments to rest before overwhelm sets in. These pauses can be just a few seconds but are essential for recharging and preserving relationships. Those who read nonverbal cues and allow others to rest are rewarded with greater trust and love.
Skill 9 acts as a safety net in relationships. When our limits are ignored, we feel run over and disrespected. People who fail to recognize these cues don't help increase joy. Positive interactions and mutual understanding come from partners who pause when one person is tired or overwhelmed. By briefly disengaging, we keep interactions safe and joyful, creating space to catch our breath. Reading nonverbal cues and knowing when to step back builds trust and shows others that we are safe and considerate in our relationships.
Practice Exercises for Skill 9: Take A Breather
Our body is like a canvas, expressing our thoughts, feelings, desires, fears, and cherished memories. Through our face, voice, body language, and how we hold our personal space, we tell nonverbal stories. Skill 10 allows us to share emotions and express what's in our minds using our face, voice, and body. This skill brightens our stories, strengthens relationships, and helps create mutual understanding. It uses both our brain and body to bring clarity to conversations and build deeper connections.
This skill isn't just about expressing ourselves; it's also how we interpret what others are communicating. We all have an internal "interpreter," which researchers call "mindsight." Mindsight lets us understand what's going on in another person's mind based on their facial expressions and body language. However, sometimes we misread these cues due to our own limited experiences, emotional overwhelm, or biases. Misunderstandings arise when there's a lack of clear facial or vocal expression, or when words, emotions, and actions don't align. Skill 10 helps us correct these misinterpretations, improving both how we communicate and how we understand others.
To develop this skill, we can practice with a partner, getting feedback on what we're conveying and how well we're interpreting their signals. More naturally, this skill grows within safe, loving relationships and communities, where we learn to interpret each other’s expressions, correct misunderstandings, and share genuine feelings and motivations.
Nonverbal storytelling strengthens relationships, connects generations, and bridges cultures. With practice, it becomes fun, engaging, and energizing, helping us connect more deeply through body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice.
Practice Exercises for Skill 10: Tell Nonverbal Stories (No present practice exercises have been added, yet)
The human brain is wired to experience six unpleasant emotions:
Fear
Anger
Sadness
Disgust
Shame
Hopeless Despair
These emotions are signals that something is wrong. To return to joy, we must learn how to calm each emotion separately while staying connected to others. Although this process sounds simple, it requires practice and a trained brain to navigate back to joy without losing connection.
Without proper training, the brain’s emotional control center can become unbalanced, leaving us stuck in negative emotions and disconnected from the people we care about. If we don’t develop Skill 11 by the second year of life—when our parents typically help us return to joy when distressed—we struggle to regulate our emotions. As we grow older, we may use non-relational strategies to manage feelings, like avoiding emotions, blaming others, or shutting down. Many people turn to BEEPS (Behaviors, Experiences, Events, People, and Substances) for comfort instead of learning to calm their emotions and reconnect.
When Skill 11 is missing, relationships suffer. Friendships, families, and churches often struggle to resolve conflicts because the focus shifts to who is right or wrong. Rules and tasks take over, and leaders avoid situations that trigger certain emotions. This avoidance is often justified or spiritualized, but it leads to disconnection. However, when we practice Skill 11, we can calm distress, return to shared joy, and maintain relationships even when things go wrong.
Practice Exercises for Skill 11: Return To Joy
We live in a world where relationships can hurt us and cause distress. Instead of isolating ourselves from disappointment, we can learn to stay true to who God made us to be when emotions arise. Our ability to manage emotions largely shapes the trust and closeness we build with others. How we comfort and connect with people reflects how well we handle our own feelings. Do we stay connected, or do we withdraw or lash out? Our responses reveal a lot.
The human brain is wired to feel six unpleasant emotions:
Fear
Anger
Sadness
Disgust
Shame
Hopeless Despair
Skill 12 teaches us how to manage each of these emotions. We develop this skill by being around people who already know how to handle their feelings in healthy ways. Their example helps us learn how to "act like ourselves," no matter what emotions arise.
When Skill 12 is missing, unregulated emotions control our behavior, making us act in ways that don’t align with our values or faith. We become inconsistent, reacting like a different person depending on the emotion we're feeling. We often avoid negative emotions altogether.
Skill 12 helps us stay true to ourselves and our values, even when things get tough. It gives us the consistency to be the same person, whether we’re happy, angry, sad, or afraid. When we master this skill, others see us as reliable and steady. We stay relational, avoid harmful behavior, and remain in sync with God’s design for us. Whether we’re joyful or upset, we continue to bring life and connection to those around us.
Practice Exercises for Skill 12: Act Like Myself
Without Skill 13, we may view people as problems, resources, or threats, missing the beauty of redemption—peace, love, forgiveness, and compassion. Seeing what God sees helps us strengthen our faith and heal relationships.
Benefits of Using Skill 13
Perspective Check: It reminds us that our view is incomplete, like an unfinished painting (1 Corinthians 13:12).
Deeper Insight: It shows more than what our natural eyes can see, revealing the bigger picture behind pain and problems.
Broader Understanding: It opens us to perspectives beyond our own limited understanding.
Divine Presence: It reminds us that God is always with us, even when fears and emotions say otherwise.
Redemptive Vision: It helps us see people and situations as they are meant to be, beyond their flaws.
Restorative Community: It encourages us to focus on people’s purpose rather than their faults, creating a community of support and restoration.
Seeking Guidance: It prompts us to ask God for perspective, clarity, and comfort in difficult situations: "Lord, what do You see here?" or "Help me see this person through Your eyes."
Navigating Life: It helps us approach both good and bad times in a godly way.
Hope and Peace: It fills our lives with hope, direction, and restored peace.
By using Skill 13, we learn to see people and events from God's perspective, enriching our faith and transforming how we handle life's challenges.
Practice Exercises for Skill 13: See What God Sees
The Greek word "sark" refers to "the flesh" or "carnality," representing our fallen, unredeemed human nature. Sark is the worldly perspective we hold, based on our own limited understanding of life and ourselves. This viewpoint often leads us astray, making us believe we know what’s right when, in reality, we are creating harm. Sark clouds our vision, leading to behaviors like blame, accusation, gossip, resentment, legalism, and self-righteousness.
Since living by the flesh leads to destruction, it requires active opposition. Without Skill 14, unresolved pain, fear, and contempt can control our lives and decisions, often without our awareness. Skill 14 helps us recognize and stop these destructive patterns, steering us back to healthy choices.
"Stopping the Sark" involves growing in discernment, supported by a loving community that values both truth and relationships. This skill is best learned within families and churches that are committed to holding each other accountable through healthy correction. We learn to stop the flesh when we:
Observe humble examples: Watching others live humbly, managing the influence of the sark, gives us healthy mental pathways to follow.
Receive guidance and feedback: Trusted people within a loving community help us notice blind spots, check our intentions, and correct distortions.
Skill 14 grows in a community of like-minded individuals who follow Christ, share our values, and aim to live according to God’s will, free from the flesh's influence.
Practice Exercises for Skill 14: Stop The Sark (The Flesh)
Skill 15 helps us manage high energy levels and strong emotions, like anger, fear, or excitement, without harming ourselves or others. By reading facial cues, we can keep interactions going without overwhelming ourselves or flying "over the top." This skill controls aggressive, sexual, and predatory urges, preventing harmful behaviors.
Without Skill 15, the brain can lose control, leading to extreme reactions that are often dangerous. Children, especially between 12 and 18 months, learn to regulate fear and control two types of aggression: "hot" impulsive reactions and "cold" premeditated ones. This process, often influenced by early interactions with a father, teaches us to resist impulsive anger and avoid seeking revenge.
People with Skill 15 can handle high-energy emotions without letting things spiral out of control. They recover from upsets and stay connected with the people they love, without resorting to violence or revenge. Those who lack this skill may fail to recognize emotional cues in real-time, leading to broken relationships, diminished trust, and potential abuse or violence.
Skill 15 is essential for anyone wanting to reflect Christ's character, as it enables us to maintain control and avoid destructive behaviors during intense moments.
Practice Exercises for Skill 15: Interactive Quiet
We all respond to emotions in either high-energy or low-energy ways, and understanding these styles brings out the best in our interactions. Our nervous system has two branches: the sympathetic system, which acts like an accelerator, driving high-energy emotions like joy, anger, and fear; and the parasympathetic system, which acts like brakes, producing low-energy emotions such as sadness, shame, and hopelessness. These natural tendencies influence how we relate to others.
Some people thrive in active, high-energy situations (sympathetic response), while others find peace and recharge in solitude and calm (parasympathetic response). Recognizing our dominant energy style, whether we’re more energized by activity or quiet, helps us understand what suits our nervous system best.
Throughout the day, we naturally cycle between high and low energy states. However, we often have a dominant style—high-energy responders enjoy excitement and action, while low-energy responders prefer calm and rest. High-energy people may avoid energy-draining emotions, while low-energy people are more familiar with feelings like sadness. Skill 16 teaches us to identify these energy patterns, which leads to mutual understanding and respect for our God-given differences.
Without Skill 16, we might become frustrated or resentful of others' energy preferences, seeing them as faults. But with this skill, we appreciate each person’s unique design. Maturity (Skill 8) helps us move toward mutual satisfaction in relationships by choosing activities and interactions that honor both high-energy and low-energy needs. We learn to attune to others’ emotional states, respecting their energy levels, and creating harmony in our relationships.
Skill 16 allows communities to move together in rhythm, embracing differences rather than trying to change them. This mutual respect can lead to deep healing, growth, and even spiritual encounters as we meet others where they are emotionally and offer genuine understanding.
Practice Exercises for Skill 16: Recognizing Different Energy Responses
Our lives should be built on secure love. Fear, hurt, and emotional distance create insecure relationship patterns that will stay with us until we actively replace them.
From birth, we need quick, consistent, and reliable responses to our changing needs. How well our caregivers meet these needs shapes how we see ourselves and the world. Positive, consistent bonds create a secure foundation, helping us regulate our emotions and approach life with curiosity and creativity. On the other hand, unstable, fear-based bonds distort our view of reality, making it difficult to manage emotions.
The people we bond with shape our sense of reality. Their reactions influence how we see ourselves, especially during childhood. Faces that light up when they see us make us feel valuable, while those that don’t can make us feel flawed. These patterns become internalized, influencing our personality and identity. The way we bond with others also affects how we see God—do we feel that God delights in us, or do we sense anger or distance? This question reveals the quality of our attachment style, particularly in our nonverbal right brain.
The Four Main Attachment Types
Attachment styles can be secure or insecure, with one dominant pattern typically influencing our relationships.
Dismissive Attachment Style: People with this style undervalue relationships and feel overwhelmed by others' needs. They tend to minimize others’ problems and dismiss their emotions. This style often develops when a caregiver is distant or unavailable, leading the child to conclude, "What’s the point of having needs if they aren’t met?"
Distracted Attachment Style: This style is marked by heightened emotional responses and anxiety about one’s own or others’ feelings. People with this style are often perceived as "needy" and may overreact to misunderstandings. It forms when caregivers are inconsistent, making the child hyper-vigilant and unsure of what to expect.
Disorganized Attachment Style: Here, the caregiver is both a source of love and fear, creating confusion and insecurity in the child. This style, which is the most difficult to heal, can lead to mental health issues like depression and PTSD. The child longs for connection but is afraid of getting hurt, leading to the belief that "love hurts."
Earned, Secure Attachment Style: In this healthy style, needs are met consistently and with love, building a foundation of joy, resilience, and peace. Those with a secure attachment can navigate difficulties with confidence, remembering their values and keeping relationships strong.
How to Heal and Strengthen Attachment Styles
Acknowledge and process the pain of insecure attachment. This involves grieving unmet needs or harmful experiences that stunted emotional growth.
Use Skill 17 to identify blind spots and fears that keep insecure patterns in place.
Use Skill 18 to find solutions to disarm these unwanted patterns.
Invite Jesus into areas of insecurity, seeking healing and joy through His presence.
Practice building joyful bonds through relationships with loving people and communities.
Recognize moments where fear affects decisions, and choose healthier, relational paths that honor both God and others.
By mastering Skill 17, we become resilient in times of stress. We model secure love in our relationships, helping others identify their motivations and repair bonds when needed. This spreads the tools necessary for stronger attachments and less fear in life.
Practice Exercises for Skill 17: Identifying Attachment Styles
SKILL 18 > Intervene Where The Brain Is Stuck - Five Distinctive Levels Of Brain Disharmony And Pain (video)
Each of the five brain levels (four in the right hemisphere, one in the left) reacts differently to distress when it gets stuck. By recognizing the characteristics of each level, we can identify where the brain is stuck and know what kind of intervention is needed. Skill 18 teaches us how to apply the right solutions to pain, allowing us to restore peace and keep relationships stronger than the problems we face.
Without this skill, we risk worsening the situation. For example, we may try to talk through a problem when the issue actually requires emotional attunement, not words. Misguided responses can escalate pain rather than relieve it. Many people mistakenly use information to resolve pain, but only one out of the five brain levels responds to this method. Skill 18 equips us to apply the right solutions at the right time, helping us stay connected, process pain, and protect our relationships.
The Five Brain Levels and Their Corresponding Pain (IMAGE)
Level 5 – ARTICULATE: Pain arises when our explanations or beliefs no longer match our experiences. For example, we may believe that God is good, but then face a crisis where we feel forgotten by Him. This causes internal conflict. At this level, we need accurate information to fill in the gaps and resolve the confusion. > Level 5 Breakdown Example - Our explanations tell us God is good and He will take care of us and then we encounter a crisis where we feel God has forgotten us.
Level 4 – ACT: Level 4 pain occurs when we don’t know how to act in important situations. We lose focus and struggle to stay connected. This level is marked by rigidity and an inability to see others' perspectives. We require examples of how others respond in similar situations. When we can't find past experiences to guide us, we may act immaturely or become reactive.
Level 3 – ATTUNE: Level 3 pain happens when we get stuck in negative emotions and can’t return to joy. The solution is attunement—having someone who listens deeply, reflects our emotions back to us, and helps us feel understood. This connection helps us calm down and move past distress. For example, mirroring someone’s emotions and body language can show empathy and build trust. > Level 3 Breakdown Example - Elijah and Jonah wanted to die and prayed God would grant their wish while both Job and Jeremiah cursed the day they were born.
Level 2 – ASSESS: At Level 2, our brain’s survival instincts kick in, governed by the amygdala. This level operates on automatic reactions: fight, flight, or freeze. When stuck here, we become hyper-vigilant and disconnected from others, unable to calm ourselves. To resolve this, we need a calm, steady person to stay with us during intense emotions and help quiet our brain’s fear response. (Here a quieting technique for when you are by yourself to quiet yourself > video)
Level 1 – ATTACH: Attachment pain is the deepest level of brain distress, marked by feelings of rejection, loneliness, or abandonment. This pain is so intense it feels like we won’t survive without relief, leading to hyper-focus on the issue or detachment from others. Left unaddressed, this pain can destroy relationships and lead to addiction. The solution is building a strong connection with God and others, who can provide the comfort and security we crave.
Using Skill 18
Skill 18 helps us identify and address these five levels of pain. By knowing which level is stuck, we can use the right strategies to resolve the issue. This skill, developed through a relationship with God, loving families, and communities, allows us to maintain joy in our relationships even when things go wrong. It provides solutions that prevent unnecessary conflict and ensures pain doesn’t have the final say.
Practice Exercises for Skill 18: Intervene Where The Brain Is Stuck (Webpage Under Construction)
When two or more of the Big Six emotions combine, they form complex emotions that are harder to handle. For example, shame mixed with anger leads to humiliation, while fear combined with despair creates dread. Managing these complex emotions requires more resources to quiet down and return to joy.
Think of it like pressing the gas and brakes at the same time—it strains the engine. Anger is a high-energy emotion that pushes us to take action, while shame is low-energy and makes us want to hide. Trying to manage both at once can feel overwhelming. Without Skill 19, we struggle to cope, leading to broken relationships, rejection, and even violence.
Complex emotional wounds leave us hurting in many ways at once. To recover, we need to use different brain skills together. Before mastering Skill 19, we must first build joy (Skill 1), learn how to quiet ourselves (Skill 2), tell four-plus stories (Skill 7), and return to joy (Skill 11). These foundational skills strengthen our emotional resilience, helping us overcome feelings like humiliation and dread.
Practice Exercises for Skill 19: Recover From Complex Emotions