How People Grow (Discipleship Overview)

Drawn from the book: How People Grow (by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend)

I found this book so very helpful for understanding how people grow. Because of it's insight and practicality, I wanted to give an overview of each of the chaptersthe big idea of each component. I do this all for the sake of guiding our thinking and pursuit of spiritual growth, so we can get a more rounded understanding of each of the parts needed for true growth to happen in our lives. We want to grow but fail to honor the God who has made His process clear through the Word of God. We need this guidance. This book overview is aimed at giving you exposure to some of the content in this book and therefore to give you a desire to read it for yourself: How People Grow (book info)

Part I. Paradise Lost

1. Seeing The Big Picture

God has given us the big picture of what He is doing in the human race (where we came from, what went wrong, how to get that life back and where we are headed). We are to come back into a relationship with God and each other, pursue a pure, holy life, and also come back to the life that God created for people to live.  

Often, when helping others grow, we lose sight of the bigger picture of God’s work in humanity. We focus on restoring someone’s emotional or spiritual health, healing a marriage, or solving practical problems, and in doing so, we forget the overarching story: God’s creation, lost to sin, and His ongoing work to restore it to Himself. This grand narrative should guide us as we engage with the specifics of people’s lives, reminding us of what God is doing in the world.

We can also lose sight of the ultimate goal by addressing only surface problems or symptoms. It’s easier to tackle immediate issues or behaviors than to discern how the effects of the Fall are still active in a person’s life and identify a redemptive path toward true reconciliation. But focusing solely on symptoms misses the deeper, life-changing work of the "ministry of reconciliation."

So, what are we reconciling? Primarily, we aim to restore people’s relationship with God—a common goal for anyone seeking spiritual growth. Beyond that, reconciliation often emphasizes restoring relationships with others or pursuing holiness and purity. However, spiritual growth goes further. It is about returning to the full life God intended—a life of deep relationships, meaningful work, joy, and wholeness. As Paul writes in Ephesians 4:18, humanity is "separated from the life of God." True reconciliation means rediscovering and living the life God designed us for.

To help others grow in this way, we must consider three key questions:

By answering these, we can guide people toward the abundant life God created them to live.


Resources


Tips For Spiritual Growth

2. How The Big Picture Affects The Small

Because God designed life to work in a certain way, we have to discover and align ourselves to it to make life work. When we do life God's way we grow and our lives are transformed.  

God designed life, growth, and healing to work according to His specific principles. When life isn’t working, it’s often because we’re out of alignment with His ways—whether through our own choices or the effects of sin done to us. True healing begins when we recognize this misalignment and realign ourselves with God’s design. Living by our own methods or coping mechanisms leads to suffering, but embracing God’s principles brings transformation and reconciliation to life as He intended.  

God provides a complete system for growth that includes foundational basics and deeper processes. When fully embraced, this system leads to profound growth and transformation, reconciling lives to His design.  


Reflective Questions  


Tips for Spiritual Growth  


Tips For Growers

Part II. The Master Gardener: The God Of Growth

3. The God Of Grace

God’s grace is tangible, revealed through the resources, tools, and people He provides to help us grow. He is for us, not against us, offering what we cannot provide for ourselves. True growth begins by seeking Him as our source.  

One of the greatest barriers to growth is how we perceive God. To grow, we must move from seeing Him as a harsh judge to knowing Him as the God of grace—a God who accepts us as we are and works for our good. Grace is unmerited favor, the assurance that God is on our side, providing what we need for transformation. Growth doesn’t come from willpower or self-effort but from responding to His provision.  

Grace is often understood through the lens of God’s law, which shows us our inability to meet His standard and our deep need for Him. Through failure or facing the consequences of falling short, we surrender, recognizing we cannot achieve the life we desire on our own. Only then can grace empower us to rebuild life as God intended.  

God’s grace is the foundation of growth, illuminating the path forward and guiding us into true transformation.  


"God saved you by His grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago." - Ephesians 2:8-10 NLT

"Now may our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by His grace gave us eternal comfort and a wonderful hope, comfort you and strengthen you in every good thing you do and say." - 2 Thessalonians 2;16-17 NLT


Resources


Tips For Growers

4. Jesus: Our Example For Living

The life of Jesus, as captured in the Bible, teaches us who the Father is and how to live lives that please Him. Jesus is the "perfect" man, demonstrating in Himself the full dimensions of what spiritual maturity looks like. He is our "perfect" example for living.

To truly grow, people need two essential relationships: one with God and one with others. As you help others grow, encourage them to assess their connection with the indwelling Christ. Growth flourishes when individuals live daily in awareness, responsiveness, and dependence on Jesus. Help them recognize that God is good, that Jesus dwells in their hearts, and that trusting Him brings transformation and blessing.

A key aspect of Jesus’ role in growth is identification. He is not just our Savior but our model, offering a living, personal example of how to navigate life in alignment with God. The Gospels show us how Jesus lived, loved, and endured challenges with grace and dependence on His Father. By studying His life, we internalize a clear and inspiring picture of what it means to live in a way that honors God.



"He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation... For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross." - Colossians 1:15,19-20 ESV


"The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth." - John 1:14 NIV



Tips for Growers

5. The Holy Spirit

Our advocate, helper and guide enables/empowers us to draw closer to God and grow to become more like Jesus. And He is working in us to complete that task.

Growth begins with the assurance that the Holy Spirit is working in and through you. The Spirit initiates the process by drawing us to Jesus and remains with us, guiding us to greater maturity. No matter how overwhelming the journey feels, we can trust that growth is not solely dependent on our efforts—the Holy Spirit is always present, leading us forward.

True growth is rooted in security, and the Holy Spirit provides this firm foundation. As God’s children, we can rest in His love and care, knowing the Spirit empowers us, reveals truth, and equips us for the journey. This relationship is one of continuous dependency, where we invite the Spirit to fill every part of our lives. We yield, listen, and follow moment by moment, trusting Him to work in ways we cannot.



"Whoever believes in the Son of God accepts this testimony. Whoever does not believe God has made him out to be a liar, because they have not believed the testimony God has given about his Son." - 1 John 5:10 NIV


"For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship.  And by him we cry, 'Abba, Father.'  The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children." - Romans 8:14-16 NIV



Resources



Tips for Growers

Part III. Finding The Best Climate For Growth

6. God's Plan A: People

God's people are His "grace-distribution system" to help us get what we need for true growth.

If you are going to help people grow, you must understand the necessity of relationship for growth... Relationships with others is part of the created order. Independence from relationship is independence from God Himself, for He is present in His Body; it is also independence from the way He designed for us to grow. 

Biblical Growth is designed to include other people as God's instruments. To be truly biblical as well as truly effective, the growth process must include the Body of Christ. Without the Body, the process is neither totally biblical nor orthodox. 

- by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Resources


"So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ." - Ephesians 4:11-13 NIV


Tips For Growers

7. Open Spaces: The Power Of Acceptance

Truly knowing we are accepted by God and His people helps us feel connected and loved and frees us to be vulnerable and transparent, in order to grow in profound ways.

The Bible teaches that acceptance begins with God... Christ's acceptance of us is the model for how we are to accept one another...

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love, having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved." - Ephesians 1:3-6 NKJV

"Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God." - Romans 15:7 NIV

To be accepted is to have all of your parts, good and bad, received by another without condemnation. It applies to all our relationships: with God, others and ourselves. It is closely related to grace, undeserved merit. Acceptance is the result of the working of grace. Because of God's grace, we are accepted into relationship...

God originally designed acceptance as a way of life. As humans we were to relate to Him and to each other with no thought of condemnation, judgment or criticism. We were connected with each other. In the beginning, Adam and Eve "were both naked, and they felt no shame" (Genesis 2:25). They were vulnerable and not disconnected.

God's acceptance of us in no way negates or minimizes our badness. In fact, He is able to receive us now, not because we are innocent, but because our debt of guilt has been fully paid, once and for all. So when we are afraid that He will not accept us because we have done something wrong, it is we who, at some level, are negating and minimizing what He has done for us. There is truly now no condemnation for those who belong to Jesus (Romans 8:11).

Acceptance plays many roles in how people grow. It is central to the process.

- by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend


Tips For Growers

8. Getting To The Warmth Of Forgiveness

We have been forgiven "once and for all", freed to face and work on our own appetites and impulses that need to change, with no condemnation to hinder us.

Reasons Why People Continue To  Struggle With Guilt, Feeling Unforgiven

- by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend


"He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." - Colossians 1:13-14 ESV

"This includes you who were once far away from God. You were His enemies, separated from Him by your evil thoughts and actions. Yet now He has reconciled you to himself through the death of Christ in his physical body. As a result, He has brought you into His own presence, and you are holy and blameless as you stand before Him without a single fault." - Colossians 1:21-22 NLT


Tips For Growers

Part IV. The Path Of Growth

9. The Gardener's Handbook: The Bible

The Bible brings us into the knowledge of God and into how to live the abundant life through His divine help.

The Bible stands alone as God's perfect guide to life and growth. Through the miracle of forty or so authors over the course of fifteen hundred years producing a magnificently consistent set of ideas and stories, God laid down all the elements for us to understand how people grow [and resolve personal struggles]... 

So when people expose themselves to the pages of the Bible, something profound happens. They come into contact with the God of the universe and with the way He sees the world and us. Reading the Bible is one of the main ways God speaks into our lives and hearts. Although learning principles and truths is very important, coming close to God personally through the Bible is a higher value. 

- by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend


"For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account." - Hebrews 4:12-13 ESV

Jesus prayer for his disciples, to the Father: "Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth." - John 17:17 NIV

"But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves. For if you listen to the word and don’t obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it." - James 1:22-25 NLT

"Jesus answered him, 'If anyone loves me, he will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him.'" - John 14:23 ESV

"The Scriptures are our only reliable source of knowledge about who God is; what He is like; what His will is; what His plans and purposes are; what He has done in the past; what He will do in the future; who we are; what life is all about; how we can know, love, and serve Him; what are the many promises He gives us; and how we can fulfill His purposes in the world. Accordingly, they are also God’s chief instrument for building our faith in Him. The Scriptures are God’s ultimate and final authority for what we are to believe and how we are to behave; they are our lifeline in this fallen world." - Thomas A. Tarrants


Resources


Tips For Growers

10. No Pain, No Gain: The Role of Suffering And Grief

Seeing suffering and grief as an essential part of changing and growing helps us have the right mindset to tear down the bad and build up God's best in us. 

God designed and created our souls. He also created the process of growing them and rebuilding them from their fallen, crippled state... God stretches our souls to grow them into something stronger and better. Sometimes He literally "wounds" and "heals" (Isaiah 30:26). And it is true that "Blows and wounds cleanse away evil, and beatings purge the inmost being" (Proverbs 20:30). Certain suffering tears down aspects of our character that need to be torn down and builds up new aspects that we need in order to live as we were designed to live. So suffering can be good. It can take us to places where one or more seasons of "comfort" cannot. 

But suffering can also be terrible. Some suffering is not a "wound to heal."  Such suffering inflicts evil on a person's heart and soul and is totally outside God's desire. Although God can bring good out of the experience, the experience itself is no good at all. 

[So] there is therapeutic suffering, and there is a destructive suffering at the hands of evil people. The key is to be able to tell the difference between the two and to apply the right kind of experience to each... When life mugs someone, we need to give him or her healing, support, love and comfort. We need to give strength and life support to those who are weak from things that have happened to them (1 Thessalonians 5:14). We are to "bear one another's burdens" (Galatians 6:2) and to help each other through hard times. We hurt and we need help. 

As was said, some pain is "good for nothing" and should not be treated as if it has purposeful value. Our character does not grow in the same way, although we may develop the fruit of faith, perseverance and a deep capacity of empathy for others. But other suffering does have value and produce growth. We call this "good pain."

"Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing." - James 1:2-5 NLT

We all have coping mechanisms that cover up pain, help us deal with fear, enable us to cope with relational inabilities, and help us hold it all together. Trials and suffering push those mechanisms past the breaking point so we find out where we need to grow. Then true spiritual growth begins at deeper levels, and we are healed. Righteousness and character take the place of coping.

This kind of suffering is good. It breaks down and stretches the "weak muscle" of the soul and replaces it with stronger muscle. In this suffering, the prize we win is character—a very valuable prize indeed. 

"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because He has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love." - Romans 5:3-5 NLT 

In true character growth, we stretch to grow. We push through the fear, the vulnerability and the pain. We embrace suffering to reach a higher level. We have to ask others and ourselves to push through some very painful and scary things...

"No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way." - Hebrews 12:11 NLT

In our lives, the death of certain aspects of character has to happen to get to the healing we need. Jesus modeled going the distance, even to death. He modeled facing suffering with an eye toward His Father, knowing He could deliver him if He desired, but that God had greater purpose in having Jesus go through the process instead. This is what our attitude toward suffering to be as well. 

Bad pain comes from repeating old patterns and avoiding the suffering it would take to change them, because many times people suffer because of their own character faults... [This] suffering is the fruit of their own character and is of no value unless they see it as a wake up call... Bad pain is basically wasted pain. It is the pain we go through to avoid the good pain of growth that comes from pushing through. It is the wasted pain we encounter as we try to avoid grief and true hurt that needs to be worked through—to avoid the growth steps we need to take to keep from repeating mistakes... A lot of pain comes from not facing our own issues that repetitively cause pain... Not facing the growth we have to face always leads to further suffering—and the further suffering is usually progressively worse. If a person is not facing things, the dynamics and symptoms and relationships get worse as time goes on.   

 - by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend


Tips For Growers

11. Growing Tasty Fruit: Becoming A Righteous Person 

God wants us to become more mature and righteous and He will work with us to make us more like His Son on the inside (Christlikeness) in order to bear good fruit on the outside. 

When most people turn to God to improve life, they look at what He is going to do for them. If they struggle at work, they ask God for a new job or career account. If they struggle in relationships, they look to God to bring them a relationship or change the person they are with. If they are depressed or addicted, they look to God for healing and deliverance. We all look to the sky and want Him to make our lives better. But the tough reality is that while He does give us jobs, relationships and blessings, He also wants to make us better as well...

Some of the things we want from God, [including changes in our personality and character to be more like Him,] are fruits of our becoming more mature and righteous as we work with Him. If we don't possess these things, the reason may be that we are not changing, and growing in the needed ways... Changing [means] turning from doing things my way to doing things God's way. 

People who want to experience the true growth revealed in the Bible will shift 180 degrees from the ways of the world to the ways of the kingdom of God, because only the ways of the kingdom work. "Seeking His kingdom and His righteousness," (Matthew 6:33) according to the Bible, is the only true path to life (John 10:10).

The kingdom of God, which seeks weakness, brokenness, righteousness, and purity of heart, is altogether different from the kingdoms of this world, which seek power and victory. From a growth perspective, the only path to make it all work is the path of the kingdom, not the path of this world... Getting righteous and aligned with the ways of the kingdom and getting healthy are one and the same thing. We need to seek God's kingdom and righteousness, not to be good, but to stay alive [and thrive in the midst of a dark and confused world].  

- by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend


Tips For Growers

12. The Value of Pruning: Discipline

We need discipline and correction in order to grow. God is intentional to help us grow lives of self-discipline and self-control.

   The Bible teaches that everyone needs discipline and correction to grow: "My son, do not despise the Lord's discipline and do not resent His rebuke" (Proverbs 3:11). Along with all other elements of growth [we must deal with], discipline is a necessaryin fact, a principalone...

Discipline, in its broadest sense, is training for a person to learn self-control in some area of life... God disciplines us so that we will be disciplined people—that is, we go through external correction and consequences so that we will make discipline a part of our internal life and experience. We become disciplined by God and others. Why do we need to be disciplined to learn self-control? Because we are not in control ourselves. Like children, we go astray, make mistakes and need parameters. One of the fruits of the Spirit is self-control (Galatians 5:23), and it comes from God over time so that we can run our lives under His rule. And like children, we know when it has born fruit inside of us, when we are not as dependent on the outside structure to stay in control. 

So discipline is one of the necessary ingredients of spiritual growth. Our need for discipline applies to much more than problems in organization and structure... it applies to every area of life in which we are NOT operating as we should, from attitudes to relationship conflicts to faith struggles... Loving correction and reminders from others [when we are failing in one or more of these areas] can make us more aware of it so that we can take responsibility for the issue [at hand]...

Several aspects to discipline operate in our hearts and aid our spiritual growth. Some are qualities of the person being trained, and some are qualities of the process. When the discipline works as it should, these all add up to much growth. 

What The Grower Must Provide

What The Process Must Provide

- by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend


Tips For Growers

13. Water From A Deeper Well: Spiritual Poverty

Becoming aware of our neediness and incompleteness as humans is key to orient us to seek God and His ways, in full reliance on Him, so we can grow in God, repair and mature. 

 Just about everyone would agree that we all need to grow spiritually.  We need to be close to God, love each other, read the Bible and apply its truths. But many do not believe that a major reason to grow is that we are in a deep and severe state of neediness and incompleteness. Yet the Bible teaches that all of us are in this state... every person needs God's grace and mercy. By our very nature, we are broken people, with no hope except for God. 

Not everyone is aware of his or her neediness... however some are. Jesus described those who are aware of their neediness as poor in spirit. "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven"  (Matthew 5:3). The Greek word for "poor in spirit" indicates a cringing beggar, absolutely dependent on others for survival... the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as those who experience their dependency.  

Spiritual poverty is about living in reality—as experiencing our state of incompleteness before God. This can be due to weaknesses, unfulfilled needs,  emotional injuries and hurts at the hands of others, and our immaturities and sins. It has to do with those parts of ourselves that are not what they should be and that we cannot repair in our own strength. When people experience at a deep level their neediness, incompleteness, and dependency—the way they actually are—they are often overwhelmed. Spiritual poverty is the cure for narcissism, self-righteousness, and a host of other problems. When our eyes are opened to our brokenness, we do not "feel better about ourselves"; rather, we feel that something is terribly wrong.  

Yet Jesus calls this a "blessed" condition because it helps us get closer to God. Our state of incompleteness drives us outside ourselves to God as the source of healing and hope. When we are comfortably independent, it is easy to avoid our need for God... All of us need to get to a needy place before growth can happen. 

Brokenheartedness is related to spiritual poverty. Brokenheartedness is a state of being woundedness or crushed by some loss, person, hurt, injustice, or circumstance.  When a person is downcast because of an emotional, relational, or career injury, he is brokenhearted. God has special tenderness for this condition: "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Psalm 34:18). 

Those with life's problems have more opportunity to recognize their need for God's healing, because the evidence is right there in front of them... Being aware of our incompleteness orients us towards God and His ways, where He awaits us with all we need to grow and repair... No one can become a Christian who does not admit, at some level, her lostness and hopelessness in freeing herself from the prison and penalty of sin (Romans 3:23)... Without poverty there is no motivating hunger. 

- by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

"For God, who said, 'Let there be light in the darkness,' has made this light shine in our hearts so we could know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ. We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves." - 2 Corinthians 4:6-7 NLT


Tips For Growers

14. Following The Gardener: Obedience

Through surrender and obedience we break out of our "self-directed" lives and into being "God-directed" as we look to Him for our purpose, values and decisions in all we think, say and do.

A basic definition of obedience, for spiritual growth purposes,  is "to be God-directed, not self-directed." Obedience is to look outside ourselves for our purpose, values and decisions. This essential stance of life admits that God knows better than we do how to guide our steps. And it is the only way to truly live, for He is life itself. One of God's great desires for us is "that [we] may love the Lord [our] God, listen to His voice, and hold fast to Him. For the Lord is [our] life (Deuteronomy 30:20). Therefore, we cannot grow spiritually without obedience. We cannot live apart from God. He is our life. 

For many people, however, obedience means "to be deprived and withheld from." [In their own broken view] God basically says, "Be really good, and don't do any fun stuff," with no real benefit, except maybe in heaven. Nothing could be further from the truth. Obedience leads to very good things for us. As we travel down God's paths of conducting life, we reap many benefits. In fact, both survival and prosperity—major aspects of a good lifedepend on obedience: "The Lord commanded us to obey all these decrees and to fear the Lord, so that we might always prosper and be kept alive, as is the case today" (Deuteronomy 6:24). The results of obedience and disobedience are very different: "If you are willing and obedient, you will eat the best from the land; but if you resist and rebel, you will be devoured by the sword" (Isaiah 1:19-20)... When we follow His way, life works better...

Not only does obedience deal with all of life, but it also encompasses all of us, both inside and out. Obedience is far more profound than simply refraining from external sin, such as lying, stealing and committing adultery, though it certainly includes those. Obedience has also to do with submitting our values, emotions and hearts to Christ's lordship. God asks for no less than total commitment. There is nothing more important, and nothing more demanding. In fact, it requires our lives, which then saves our lives (Mark 8:35).

Jesus replied, "The most important commandment is this: ‘Listen, O Israel! The Lord our God is the one and only Lord. And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.’ The second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ No other commandment is greater than these.” - Mark 12:29-31 NLT

- by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend


Tips For Growers

15. Pulling The Weeds: The Problem Of Sin And Temptation

We deal with sin and temptation with repentance and confession, leaning on God for help and then in living a life that is directed by the Spirit.

The Bible says we are responsible and accountable for our sin. [It also says] we are powerless to keep from sinning—we just can't change on our own.

The Bible tells us that we cannot avoid the problems we find ourselves in, we cannot change ourselves once we are in them, and we are held totally responsible and accountable for them. In short, we are in prison or, as the Bible says, we are "slaves to sin." As Paul explains it,

"And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway."  - Romans 7:18-19 NLT

[What is the Bible's answer to this dilemma?] The Bible gives us [a Savior!] For it is exactly into that prison that Jesus comes and tells us He will break us out. This is Good News indeed. [But we will need to] get serious about seeking help from outside ourselves... While the law... cannot help, Jesus can. He replaces living by the law with living by the Spirit. This is the answer to all the problems sin ever throw at us. 

To change the areas we want to change, we first have to admit to them (confession) and admit we are unable to change them by ourselves (Matthew 5:3). Then we have to be set free by establishing a relationship with Jesus, which takes care of the guilt and condemnation of the law (Romans 8:1)... 

Then, as the verse says, to be set free we must live according to the Spirit. Here is where most failure takes place. People think they only need to confess and lean on God for help... [But] living in the Spirit includes many other things we have to ask God to do for us through His Spirit...

When we admit powerlessness, ask God and others for help, repent, continue to stay plugged into a supportive environment, seek healing for the healing parts of ourselves, and receive deep forgiveness, give that to others, and obey God—when we do all these things, long-standing patterns of problematic behavior change.   

The Bible's commandment regarding sin is and always has been: Repent. However, "repent" means to have a total change of mind, to think differently—and that involves an entire turning around of our entire life, not just behavior—and to begin to live according to the whole life of the Spirit. So, "repent" is not a shallow commandment. It is a total life change to the life of the Spirit and all that entails...  

[In looking further in,] It is not just our inability to keep from sinning that gets us in trouble. We are sometimes very able to keep from sinning, and we choose not to. We rebel... Even though we have the sin nature, at any given moment we do have control over some areas of our character, yet we choose not to exercise this control. [This is all] about things we are "unwilling" to do. 

So when dealing with our own hurt, lacks, and other motivators of behavior and those of the people we help, we have to remember that there is a difference between what happens to me and how I deal with it (how I respond)... We can respond redemptively or destructively... Blame is part of the natural order of fallen humankind. We do not "own" our behavior; instead we automatically shift responsibility... [But] if we continue to [blame and] to explain our sin away, we will die. Sin kills us, and blame gives life to sin. Blame keeps sin breathing and thriving in our lives.   

[So] getting to the root of the motivations of our behavior is very important. Many motivations or driving forces are not our fault. But this does not mean that our behavior is not our responsibility. Sin is not just something we do; it is not just behavior. It encompasses the roots of behavior as well. Too often we think of sin only in external terms, not internal (Luke 11:39-40)... Looking inside ourselves (to internal motivations) and resolving the issues we find there is key to having the outside be good. If we are full of "crummy stuff," then we will exhibit crummy behavior...  

If we are going to get well, we have to have the safety to look inside, confess what we find there, grieve it, repent of it, and "put off [our] old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of [our] minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness" (Ephesians 4:22-24). We have to  be made new from the inside out, and that begins with facing how ugly things are inside... Then we can begin to clean up our insides.  

The Bible has a strategy for avoiding sin: Get away from tempting things before the temptation, not after. "Run" is the advice of the Bible. If you are not there, you can't be tempted. And when you find yourself in danger, don't just stand there and try to win. Instead, run from it—flee it—treat it as dangerous. 

- by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend


Tips For Growers

16. Facing Reality: How Truth Deepens Growth

Truth provides us with a path to know the way and God's love and grace to strengthen us to follow and grow. In this way truth protects us from the ways of the world and leads us into the "abundant life."   

Truth plays several different roles in spiritual growth

Truth As A Path Of Life - The first is that it provides a structure for the process of growth. To mature, people need a path or guide to know the way. Truth is that path: "I have chosen the way of truth; I have set my heart on Your laws" (Psalm 119:30). Without truth's guidance, growth would not happen... When people are given the truth as a guide, they know how to order their steps to complete the process. 

Truth Is Married To Love And Grace - Relationship requires a structure. The Bible often puts love and grace together with truth to shoe thier closeness (Psalm 40:10; John 1:14; 2 John 3). When love is separated from truth, people cannot grow... God does not divide love from truth. He is fully loving and fully truthful with us.

Truth Saves And Gives Life - Truth both preserves and provides a live for us. It protects us, and it also guides us into activities and relationships that are life-giving... More than protecting our lives, the truth also gives us life. When we seek out truth, we get involved in what is important for our lives. We search the Bible to solve problems.  We go to trusted friends with our struggles, dreams and desires. The truth gives us answers, hope and solutions. 

Truth Separates What Is Real And What Is Not - Truth is a divider and separator. It helps us clarify the real from the not-so-real (Hebrew 4:12). When the truth emerges, [you can finally step] in to solve any problems. When truth is hidden, many problems can arise. 

- by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend


Jesus prayer for his disciples, to the Father: "Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth." - John 17:17 NIV


Tips For Growers

17. Putting On The Gloves: The Importance Of Activity

God constructed us to work (perform many tasks for our own lives and for the lives of others) and to love God and people. As we diligently execute our responsibilities in growth, it leads to meaningful, active lives of purpose.

Activity—being energetically involved in an endeavor—is part of who God is and we are made in His image. God is constantly working on His own agenda and tasks. As Jesus said, "My Father is always at His work to this very day, and I, too, am working" (John 5:17)... God never stops His active search to love and help those who want Him. 

"The eyes of the Lord search the whole earth in order to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to Him..." (2 Chronicles 16:9a)

God takes the initiative to find and help those who love Him. Activity has to do with the "doing" parts of life as opposed to the "relating"parts. God constructed life to break down basically into two tasks: work and love. 

Adam and Eve were designed to relate deeply to God and to each other as well as to rule and subdue the earth He had assigned to them. Spiritual, relational people also have meaningful, active lives of purpose. They are deeply connected emotionally and have jobs, ministries, and hobbies that make life fuller. 

Activity and love are intertwined. Love is the fuel of activity; love is also its purpose and goal. Loving God and others is the end result and purpose of basically any good activity. Being connected emotionally to God and others requires effort and initiative. It takes work to seek out safe people, open up to them, confess who we are, and receive and give truth and reality to them. Relationship is not at all passive. As most people know, our most precious relationships are those in which we have invested a lot of energy. 

Action is always an integral part of growth. Spiritual growth does not "happen" to us; it requires a great deal of blood, sweat, and tears... Our sanctification is a collaborative effort between God and us. We have certain tasks. He has certain tasks also, such as preparing our hearts, setting up the circumstances, and bringing forth results from the growth work. The Bible teaches this partnership this way: 

"...continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 13 for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose." - Philippians 2:12a-13 NIV

"...work hard to show the results of your salvation, obeying God with deep reverence and fear. 13 For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases Him." - Philippians 2:12b-13 NLT

We work out our salvation, meaning we diligently execute our responsibilities in growth. All the while, in mysterious and often invisible ways, God works in us for His purposes. He does the many things we cannot do for ourselves, for which we depend on Him.

When we grow spiritually, we perform many tasks. Exploring the depths of our souls  and seeing what needs to be done is hard and sometimes scary work. This work requires love and support from God and others. Love functions as fuel for us. Energized by those who care for us, we are able to carry out the tasks... 

When we are active in our growth, we tend to take more responsibilities for our lives. The experiences of being involved, learning, taking risks, and talking to others about our lives increases the level of ownership we have in the process... The more you own your life, the more things change for the better. 

- by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend


Tips For Growers

18. Waiting For The Harvest: Time

Growth takes time. It is not instantaneous. As we are exposed to God's grace, love and healing over time, we will be changed from the inside out—the internal changes of the heart and life will transform the external life... in due time. 

So many growers expect that, if they read their Bibles and do the right things, they will instantly and permanently change. They are disappointed when this does not happen. They may feel God has let them down or they are doing something wrong, when in fact everything may be proceeding as God planned it. Time is a necessary ingredient of growth. 

So What Takes All The Time?

- by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." - Colossians 2:23-24 NIV


Tips For Growers