FALO
a marriage counseling tool
FALO comes after the disconnection or argument in a marriage and seeks reciprocity
FALO comes after the disconnection or argument in a marriage and seeks reciprocity
"I said, 'Plant the good seeds of righteousness, and you will harvest a crop of love. Plow up the hard ground of your hearts, for now is the time to seek the Lord, that he may come and shower righteousness upon you.’'" - Hosea 10:12 NLT
FALO was inspired by this verse in Hosea and stands for the word "Fallow." The Parable of the Four Soils is an example of a cultivated soil that has been made ready for growth. Besides the soil along the path, the rocky soil, and the soil with weeds, there is the fallow (FALO) soil that was properly turned and prepared for seed to take root, grow, and yield fruitfully.
Feeling > Affirming > Longing > Owning
1. Feeling (ME)
I Identify my emotions and where it is embodied in my physical body.
Example:
FEELING (& Embodiment) > "I feel alone... and I feel it as tension on my neck. My heart also feels heavy and stressed."
2. Affirming (ME)
I remember who my partner is (for my own benefit).
In this step I am trying to reorient myself, rather than stay in my defended place. I don't let my wound dictate who my partner is. If my adrenaline is flowing then it will be hard for me to remember who my partner is.
What is a quality, related to the issue at hand, you can affirm in your partner that hasn't changed? By recalling this, we are keeping ourselves from painting a person as all bad because of an incident or a series of incidents. There's lots of good in each person and these do not quickly or completely change.
Example:
FEELING (& Embodiment) > "I feel powerless and I have a sinking feeling in my gut."
AFFIRMING > "But I know you as a person of integrity."
3. Longing (US)
I share what we are longing for in our relationship and what we are trying to create together.
Example:
LONGING: "I am longing for us to be in a relationship where we can share our feelings and be affirmed warmly by the other."
4. Owning (ME)
I let it be known how I acted defensively in the situation and I speak it in such a tone that reveals my empathy (for my partner's benefit).
I own my defense and I can imagine the potential impact on my partner. Remember: If you name it, you can claim it.
As long as we stay in our defended places, we are in a "Me vs. You" stance. We then have little empathy toward our partner and we seek to justify our position. Owning nourishes empathy towards each other. It allows us, as a couple, to connect before we correct.
Example:
OWNING (with empathy): "I realize I shut down... and I could see how that made you feel unsafe."