REPAIR Conversation
a marriage counseling tool
a more intense and more one-directional repairing conversation when wrong has been done to the other
REPAIR
Take Ownership > Imagine the Emotional Wounding > Not Deserving > Steps Taken to Change
1. Take Ownership (Name What You Did)
"I'm sorry I did this action..."
"I'm sorry I yelled at you."
"I'm sorry I called you ____________ [by this name]."
2. Imagine the Emotional Wounding
"I can see how this made you feel..."
"I can imagine how this made you feel unsafe."
"I can imagine how this made you feel insecure."
"I can imagine how this made you feel rejected."
"I can imagine how this made you feel anxiety."
3. Not Deserving
"You didn't deserve..."
Let your partner know why they were not deserving of your response, behavior or action. But make sure to avoid explaining away your behavior with "but you..." If what you did as a reaction was wrong, don't explain it away. Taking responsibility for yourself and how you acted, is what this step is all abut.
"You didn't deserve me cursing at you."
"You didn't deserve me becoming emotionally connected to someone else."
4. Steps Taken to Change
"I want to do things different by..."
Explain the steps you are taking yourself to change so this won't get repeated somehow, someway, in the future. Take into account what your partner might want or need. And choose things you are willing and intentional about doing. This step is not about talk with action. Say what you mean, and carry out what you promised.