...everyone develops a style of relating designed to avoid the experience of deep personal pain—and that is the sin of self-protection. 

The sin of self-protection... occurs when our legitimate thirst for receiving love creates a demand not to be hurt that overrides a commitment to lovingly involve ourselves with others. When that demand for self-protection interferes with our willingness to move towards others with their well-being in view, the law of love is violated... we protect ourselves from the possibility of pain by adopting a style of relating that keeps people safely distant...

We tend to relate to one another with the hidden purpose of maintaining our comfort and avoiding whatever sort of interaction we find threatening... 

The violation is subtle. It feels natural to protect ourselves... Self-protective relational styles are hard to identify not only because they seem so normal but also because  they are easily disguised in conventional, attractive Christian clothing...

A personal's style of relating is [unique but each style of relating has] the underlying motivation of either self-protection or love... 

[But when trying to change] we rarely consider the value of what is central to real change: taking a hard look at the commitment to self-protection that displays itself most clearly in our way of relating to people. If the core business of life is to love each other as God loves us, then a priority effort to play it safe interferes with the purpose of loving...

The results of a self-protective approach to life are severe. The effects of loving are wonderful. We were designed by a God who wants us to trust His love enough to freely love others, not to protect our longings from further injury. And yet, we love so poorly. Why? The answer is simple as it is profound. We refuse to come to God in our thirst by abandoning our commitment to self-protection. 

To change from the inside out requires we that we repent of our self-protective commitment. We must change our mind about the best way to deal deal with our thirsty soul. But before we can reject our self-protection, we must first understand what it is and how we exhibit it. A careful look at our style of relating is required...

When people deny their thirst, they cannot recognize the function of their relating style. But when thirst is acknowledged and self-protection is unmasked, then trust in Christ can become more profound and repentance more complete. We can trust Him more when we know how badly we need what only He can provide. And the more completely our sin is exposed, the thoroughly we can deal with it.