Marriage: Responsibility, Growth, and the Work of Love
(English • Español)
by Raimer Rojas
If marriage is God’s design for two people to build a life, a family, and a future together under God — a place where both people are meant to flourish — then marriage is not held together mainly by romance, compatibility, or even feelings. Marriage is held together by responsibility, covenant love, and daily choices.
Two people can have a good marriage, an average marriage, or a very difficult marriage largely based on how each person lives their responsibilities, not just how they feel about each other. Marriage works best when both people are not primarily asking, “Are you making me happy?” but instead asking, “What is my responsibility to love you, serve you, and build this life with you?”
Marriage is less about finding the perfect person and more about becoming the kind of person who can build a life with someone else.
A helpful way to think about marriage is this: marriage is a garden God gives to two people, and both are gardeners. If both water it, protect it, pull weeds, and plant good things, the garden becomes beautiful. If one works and the other neglects, the garden struggles. If both neglect it, the garden slowly dies. And if both damage it, the garden becomes painful. So the real question in marriage is not just, “Do we love each other?” The real question is, “Are we both taking responsibility for the garden?” Marriage does not grow automatically. It grows where people take responsibility.
Before talking about different roles, there are responsibilities that belong to both husband and wife. Both are responsible to protect the relationship:
not to damage it with disrespect
contempt
harsh words
neglect
emotional distance
secrecy
selfish decisions
addictions
unfaithfulness
constant criticism
Many marriages do not fail because of one big event, but because of small daily damage that accumulates over time.
Both are also responsible to invest in connection. Marriage cannot survive on logistics alone — bills, kids, schedules, work, and responsibilities. Marriage needs conversation, friendship, time together, laughter, listening, encouragement, affection, prayer, and shared dreams. Connection is not automatic. It must be built intentionally.
But one of the most important responsibilities in marriage is often overlooked.
One of the biggest marriage mistakes is this mindset: “If you changed, our marriage would be better.” Healthy marriages are built by people who say: “I will work on becoming a better husband.” & “I will work on becoming a better wife.” Marriage problems are often not only communication problems. They are character problems, maturity problems, and heart problems.
And part of the reason for this is that we all bring baggage into marriage:
habits from our families
ways of speaking we learned growing up
fears
insecurities
pride
anger
control
emotional wounds
past hurts
unrealistic expectations
selfish patterns
We bring things from our distant past and from more recent painful or frustrating life experiences. We do not enter marriage as finished people. We enter marriage as people in process.
And many times, what hurts the marriage is not only what the other person is doing, but what we ourselves are carrying into the marriage. The truth is simple but important: The garbage we carry is the garbage that affects our marriage.
If I carry anger, my marriage will feel my anger.
If I carry insecurity, my marriage will feel my insecurity.
If I carry pride, my marriage will feel my pride.
If I carry unresolved pain, my marriage will feel that pain.
If I carry selfishness, my marriage will feel my selfishness.
Marriage often does not create all these problems. Marriage reveals what was already there. So one of the great responsibilities in marriage is this: Work on yourself. Let God change you. Take responsibility for your own growth, your own wounds, your own habits, your own words, and your own reactions. Many people enter marriage looking for the right person. Strong marriages are built by people who focus on becoming the right person.
But this does not mean that in marriage we ignore problems or never challenge each other. Marriage is not about controlling each other, but it is also not about ignoring each other’s problems. Marriage should include loving accountability. We are not responsible for forcing our spouse to change, but we are responsible for loving them enough to tell the truth, to address problems, and to call each other toward growth and maturity. There is a very important distinction here: I can call out things that need to change, but I cannot force you to change. This is the difference between control and love.
Control tries to force change through pressure, criticism, shame, anger, manipulation, or withdrawal. Loving accountability, on the other hand, speaks the truth with humility, kindness, and courage. It does not tear the other person down; it calls them higher.
Loving accountability sounds like this:
“I love you, and this is hurting our marriage.”
“I believe you are better than this.”
“I see who you can become.”
“I want us to have a strong marriage.”
“I’m not against you. I’m for you. But we need to work on this.”
In a strong marriage, both people are not trying to control each other, and they are not ignoring problems either. Instead, they help each other grow. Marriage becomes a place where two people:
tell each other the truth
forgive each other often
encourage each other
correct each other gently
support each other
call out the best in each other
help each other become who God created them to be
In this way, marriage becomes not only a place of love and companionship, but also a place of growth, maturity, and transformation.
Marriage usually does not fail because two bad people got married. Marriage usually struggles because two selfish people got married, two immature people got married, two hurt people got married, or two people expected marriage to make them happy instead of make them loving. Marriage is not sustained by love feelings. Marriage is sustained by love decisions.
A strong marriage is built by two people who:
take responsibility for themselves
work on their own heart
forgive often
speak the truth in love
hold each other lovingly accountable
invest in connection
protect the relationship
keep building the life together
A strong marriage is not built by two perfect people. It is built by two responsible, forgiving, humble, growing people who don’t give up on each other and who keep choosing to love, grow, and build together under God. And when two people live like this, both flourish, and the marriage becomes what God designed it to be — not perfect, but strong, life-giving, and lasting.